Sounds of Silence
by NElaineR
Summary: Emotions are way out of control and close to exploding. Can Cal and Gillian find their way? Guess we're heading out of the angst now... Takes place post series finale. Disclaimer, yadda, yadda, etc, etc. Epilogue now up.
1. Chapter 1

He was now so different. Almost as if he were yanking himself away, almost as if he were suddenly _afraid_ of her. Until recently he'd been her pillar of strength. He'd stood by her with unyielding patience and tenderness as she grieved for Claire but as she became capable of pulling together and getting beyond it, he'd emotionally detached. Maybe it was Emily's move to Berkeley, but that couldn't be all of it. Of course now they barely spoke, so information was hardly in abundance. Oh, when it came to the business they did but personally, well, that was gone and she missed it tremendously. There were times when she observed him and he wasn't aware of her scrutiny. He'd be just staring off, eyes clouded. Sure, it was rare but it happened. The profound sadness that she noted at those times seeped into her as she watched him. And that's how her heart broke, just one little crack at a time.

The last few months were filled with emotional silence and the chasm was steadily widening. Many times she attempted to talk to him but he froze her out with that carefully arranged mask of his. Made her feel like she was imagining everything. At one time she admired his ability to be inscrutable. Now she despised it.

Currently, Gillian was tentative when she went to knock on the door of his office. She missed the warmth. She missed the camaraderie. Hell, she'd give almost anything if he'd just flirt with _that_ look in his eye, so she could roll her own and they'd both grin. That hadn't happened for quite a long time. She took a breath, changed her mind about knocking and just walked right in.

Cal was balanced back in his chair, boots on the desk, glasses on, intently reading a file. She was certain he was aware of her presence but he didn't acknowledge her for several long minutes. Long enough to hurt. Long enough for her to feel the tiny flicker of anger.

"Foster." He finally peeked up at her expectantly, face blank but it was an odd strained blankness. Something was trying desperately the leak out from behind the mask but the dam momentarily held. She wasn't completely sure what to make of it. "What can I do for you?"

"Did you see this?" Gillian waved the envelope clutched in her hand half-heartedly.

Staring at her for several heartbeats, his eyes finally dropped to what she held as he pulled his glasses off. "What is it?"

"Invitation. You and me. Speaking engagement at UCLA."

"Toss it in the rubbish."

"The money's good Cal."

And they desperately needed it. That part remained unspoken.

He was quiet, continuing to stare, eyes mirrored. Determined not to let her in. "Can't both leave at once."

"Not exactly rolling in clients right now. What few cases we have can be easily handled by Eli and Ria." Her voice held an edge to it as she felt herself tremble ever so slightly.

"What if I just don't want to do it?"

She gaped at him. _Not want to do it?_ Cal Lightman _not_ wanting to be the center of attention? The tiny flicker of anger was beginning to pulse into a strong blaze. Approaching the desk, she tossed the envelope down before leaning forward slightly, fingers on the edge and meeting his eyes. "If you don't give a shit about this company any more, why don't you just say it so we can all call it a day and move on?"

"Maybe I just don't think it's worth our while to bestow the virtues of my science to a large group of pimply faced 19-year-olds who couldn't care less." His eyes glittered, flint-like.

Her mouth opened and then shut again. The truth of the matter was that she was almost ready to cry and was fighting desperately not to. She took a moment, and a breath to gain control of her emotions as he gazed at her. A tiny bit of pain flickered through his eyes before it slipped away. She wasn't even completely sure if she actually saw it or just _wanted_ to see it.

"Never mind Cal. Maybe it's for the best." Gillian turned abruptly before he could see the tears that were overwhelming her. She left the office and didn't look back.

He watched after her, unshed tears glazing his own eyes before he sunk his head to his desk for a moment. _God, what the hell was he doing? What was he doing to her? To them? _

The rage ignited within him, sudden and bitter. He was on his feet, sweeping everything off his desk before turning and throwing his fist through the glass of the bookcase that held several prized first run volumes, completely unmindful of the sting of running blood. Still not satiated, he grabbed hold of it, shifted his weight and brought it crashing to the floor before swiftly moving past and grabbing his jacket.

A small crowd had gathered at the door of his office, confusion and wariness worn openly on stunned faces. Without a word, Cal pushed through them, looking for the closest exit. _He had to get out._ _He had to vent all these agonizing feelings before they tore him apart._

He almost barreled over Gillian as she stepped out of her office to find out what the disturbance was. Her face was still red as she wiped at her running makeup with the heel of her hand. Cal paused ever so briefly, anguish leaping out at her from behind his hooded eyes. He then dodged around her, running for the stairwell.

Startled, Gillian felt her heart hitch as her eyes followed his path.

_**(BREAK)**_

He walked because he didn't know what else to do. When he was young, he'd go looking for a fight but now, well, he was getting kind of old for that shit. For the first time he became aware of the stinging of his right hand and stopped to inspect it. The knuckles were cut from when he punched through glass. _Brilliant._ He pulled out a handkerchief from his coat pocket and carefully wrapped it. Wasn't he getting too old for that kind of garbage too?

The weather was steadily cooling, promising a bite by evening and he liked it like that. It reminded him a little of home. Not that he'd ever move back. Not bloody likely but maybe it _was _time to make a change.

Crossing the street at the corner, he stepped it up, his black coat flying back behind him. Maybe it _would_ be a good idea to move on. Move somewhere new, exciting. Somewhere where he wouldn't constantly be reminded of the woman he was so desperately in love with. The woman who could never _possibly_ love him back in the same way. He recognized what he saw, had for some time. She loved him, sure (although that might be debatable right now because he was such an ass). But he also knew, with little doubt, that she wasn't _in love_ with him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>A little angst anyone?<strong>_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you for all the comments and reviews! Haven't really done the angst thing to this extent before so hopefully I'll be up to the task. **_

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><p>It was dark when he returned to the Lightman Group. Walking the streets of D.C. after nightfall wasn't the safest thing to be doing but part of him had hoped for some kind of incident. Nothing like a good mugging to get your mind off things but unfortunately nothing like that had happened. Okay, there was one proposition he ignored but that was it. He walked into the parking garage, listening to his footsteps echo against the emptiness. That's how he now felt inside: empty. It was an improvement to feeling way too much.<p>

His car was parked near the stairwell as it always was. He liked to take the stairs in the morning to help wake him up and give him some semblance of exercise. Running had been something he used to do years ago but that had long since fallen by the waste side. Maybe he should take it up again. Maybe it wouldn't even give him a heart attack.

Unlocking his vehicle, he glanced over to the far wall without thinking. Gillian's Volvo was parked by the elevator like it always was. Stairs and heels could be quite ungainly, especially while balancing coffee and who knew what else. Besides, she was one to consistently hit the gym. Her image filled his mind and he felt his blood pressure start to spike. Inwardly cursing, the emptiness ceased to be so empty again. _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_

_ What the hell was she still doing here anyway? _It was almost 8:30 and she was squirreled away up there doing…what exactly? She'd already pointed out their lack of cases.

The draw tingled low in his belly. Now that he knew she was up there, he felt compelled to go to her. _What good would it do though_? Just remind him of what he couldn't have.

Cal turned back to his car, jaw clenching, pulse pounding.

_What if something was wrong?_

Pretty unlikely. She probably just didn't want to go home. But then again, Matheson had gotten in at one time. No. That wasn't it. She probably was…just cleaning up his mess as usual.

Clamping his eyes shut, he leaned back against the Acura he had purchased when his old Beemer had been totaled. Gillian had been the first person he'd seen when he was waking up after the accident. Her blue eyes had been wide and filled with concern.

_Focus_. He'd just check to make sure she was alright and then he'd go. If he lucked out she wouldn't even see him.

He felt weak but once again that magnetic like draw had him stepping toward the heavy metal door, pulling it back and taking the stairs two at a time.

_**(BREAK)**_

Eli had helped her by lifting the heavy bookcase back against the wall but that was all that had been done. At the time, she'd simply shut the door to his office, sent the staff back to their respective assignments and disappeared into her own office with specific instructions not to be bothered, barring any kind of emergency. Emergency. A large part of her expected a call from one of the local hospitals regarding Cal. The agonized glint of his eyes when he left had had her terrified. He had looked haunted and she'd been completely disconcerted by its power.

Now the halls were dark and she was on her own. Taking a deep breath in an attempt to soothe her agitation, she entered Cal's office with plans of just picking up what had been knocked to the floor. Taking the wastebasket from the other side of the desk, she crouched in the mess and carefully pulled the leather wrapped volumes out, shaking them gently over the garbage to rid them of any residual glass.

_**(BREAK) **_

Gillian wasn't in her office. The light was on, but there was no sign of her. He wasn't concerned now though. He knew where she was but he had to be certain before he slipped out again.

He stepped softly as he approached his own office. As anticipated, the light burned but he didn't initially see her. Frowning, his eyes swept the room before settling on the other side of his desk. There she was. Squatting down and cleaning up his mess as usual. All he saw was her back. Lovely brown hair with its blond highlights swished back and forth as she moved. Her top was neatly tucked into her skirt and he could openly appreciate the swell of her hip as she leaned forward to delicately pick something from the carpet.

Cal felt his throat start to close. _She was okay. It was time to go._

But he didn't. He couldn't move as his heart rate accelerated.

"What's going on Cal?" Her voice was low. She hadn't even looked toward the doorway. She didn't need to.

He didn't answer. Words were stuck somewhere just above his diaphragm.

She continued to pick some pieces of glass from the carpet. A sudden intake of breath stopped her as she rocked back slightly, the tip of her ring finger slipping between her lips.

Without thought, he strode across the room, crouched next to her and gently took her hand to inspect the tiny pinpoint of blood. Just a tiny cut on the pad of the finger. He started to bring it to his lips to sooth it but quickly stopped himself as his eyes slowly rose to meet hers. Her blue ones were hesitant, fearful but still held a trace of anger. Cal could hardly blame her.

"You're hurt." A whisper on her breath as she noticed his hastily wrapped would be bandage.

The handkerchief was still bound around his knuckles and the palm of his hand, blood having soaked through but long since congealed. He'd forgotten about it.

Without a word, he released her hand and quickly stood. Intense pain was bubbling up within him once again as he watched the bewilderment sink into her face. It seemed to be there a lot these days when it came to him. _How could he even come close_ _to alleviating it? Come clean? Confess everything?_ No, that wasn't possibly. The last thing he wanted was the look of compassion or even pity that would be certain to blanket her eyes if he told her. _But what if he was wrong about everything_? No. He really didn't think so.

Gillian stared up at him, trying desperately to see through his shell. Every time she came close he reinforced his expression, effectively shutting her down. If he would just meet her halfway maybe they could reconnect, but he seemed determined not to allow it.

"Can you help me understand what's going on Cal?" Her tone was almost pleading and she immediately felt more anger. This time at herself. Clearing her throat she tried again. "Something has happened. I'd like to help you if you'll let me." She pushed herself to her feet so she could face him head on.

His breathing had unconsciously shallowed out. In his mind's eye, he rushed to her, forcefully kissing the confusion and anger away before pulling her down to the carpet and showing her everything he couldn't say. Instead, he took a step back, feeling his face burn in shame and horror at the other connotation that that image also held. The flushing of his normally fair skin was something he couldn't hide, so he turned away.

"Leave the mess Gill. I'll take care of it tomorrow." His voice was raspy, the words tearing through his throat as if against his wishes.

He left then, feeling the weight of her eyes on his back.


	3. Chapter 3

Gillian wouldn't have even seen the envelope if she hadn't left her laptop in its case behind her desk.

Her name was written in Cal's familiar scrawl and she had several moments of indecision as to whether she really wanted to open it or not.

Another couple of weeks had slid by with him barely acknowledging her, let alone speaking to her. Everyone had noticed and had looked to her questioningly but she had no answers for them. Cal would make his appearances, tear into anyone unfortunate enough to be facing off against him in the cube before retreating to his office. He'd left many suspects teary eyed and shaking with a viciousness that went above and beyond. As a result the staff stayed the hell out of his way. Gillian could hardly blame them.

Now as she fingered the envelope, her stomach held a sense of foreboding. He'd obviously meant for her to find it in the morning, expecting that she wouldn't be back tonight.

With slightly trembling hands, she tore open the plain white envelope to pull out the note inside. Reading it, her mouth set to a hard line before reading it again.

Shoving it in her purse, she grabbed her laptop and headed out of the building.

_**(BREAK)**_

Nick Drake crooned in the background to Cal's 4th glass of scotch. He'd never understood how some people could listen to upbeat music when they were depressed. Seemed completely incongruous. Something happy sounding would make him want to throw the stereo onto the driveway and run over it several times. To prevent such tragedy, he listened to music that matched his mood. Drake's melancholy notes filled his living room as a result.

The alcohol was hitting him hard and he took some time to realize that he hadn't eaten today. No wonder. He gazed off toward the kitchen wondering if it might be a good idea to put something in his stomach in an attempt to mop up some of the ill effects. Only problem was that the kitchen suddenly seemed a very long way off. Was it really worth the trouble? He tipped back his glass instead.

When the buzzer sounded, his eyes were drooping almost into sleep. The sound at the door seemed to enter his right ear, ricochet annoyingly for a time before exiting through his left. His head tilted in an effort to peer toward the door. All he saw was his luggage, the door being barely out of his line of sight.

The buzzer sounded again.

They might go away if he ignored it. Then again he suspected he knew who it was. At the thought, tension curled tightly in his belly, almost effectively negating some of the effects of the scotch. _Shit._ If he _was_ right, _she_ most likely _wouldn't_ go away. Of course that didn't mean he had to make things easy for her.

Cal heard the key in the lock and wondered if he'd put the chain on or not. He couldn't remember.

No. He hadn't.

Gillian now stood before him, face set, eyes furious. "What the hell is this?" The note was wadded in her fist. She threw it at him and it bounced off his chest, landing in his lap.

"I think it's pretty self-explanatory." He was annoyed to find his tone defensive.

"_Not even close_. For months you've been behaving as if something prickly crawled up your ass and died and now you leave a note saying that you're deserting the business, deserting me and flying to California?"

"It's not forever." His eyes were flat as they stared up at her.

"It was _something_ to be _discussed_ with your partner!"

"My choices are none of your damned business." Cal pushed himself up, swaying dangerously.

"They are when it affects the business, which is half mine if you don't remember."

"Then take the whole bloody thing!" He stepped closer, eyes narrowing. She didn't back away. "You really want to take a poke at me right now don't ya?" A mirthless smile pulled at his lips.

Her fists continued to clench at her sides, eyes frosty as she considered.

Cal stepped even closer. They were only a couple of feet apart. She could now smell the alcohol. "If I hit you, you wouldn't be able to get back up." She practically spat the words at him.

"Save me the trouble of climbing the stairs to bed. Unless you want to help me out of course." His voice dripped with innuendo.

He caught her wrist before her hand reached his jaw, a motion that even surprised him in his inebriated state. He held it firmly as he continued to stare at her intensely.

"Let go!" Gillian tried to pull her hand away but he was too strong. He was also too damned close.

"No." The tenure of his voice shifted, becoming cold, unrecognizable. For the first time ever, she was afraid of him. _What the hell was this?_ Her heart was starting to hammer.

"_What are you doing_?" Gillian's eyes were like saucers as his breath covered her face in a warm haze of alcohol.

He tilted his head, eyes darkening and boring into hers. Her wrist was still locked in his grip.

_She was afraid._

_ Fuck._

_ She was afraid…of him._ Helplessness and shame washed through him as he released her hand.

Gillian's fear ebbed as she watched his face crumple into itself, her anger suddenly gone. Cal was suffering. Her best friend for years and he was suffering and wouldn't talk to her. Wouldn't allow her to help him. Leaning forward, she pulled him into her arms. After a brief hesitation, she felt his hands move around her back and his forehead lean into her shoulder.

"I'm so sorry Gill." The words slid out under his breath.

"Please Cal." She ran her hand lightly over his shoulder blade. "Talk to me. Let me in."

He was quiet for several long moments before pulling back slightly, once again catching her eyes. With only a moment's pause, he leaned in and kissed her. It wasn't a between friends type of kiss, it was a 'please stay tonight and never leave me' kind of kiss.

Gillian felt her spine stiffen with shock but before she could react beyond that, he had moved away and folded himself back onto the couch. He looked up at her through bleary eyes, too tired to hide the sadness before waving one hand toward her face. "That there is why I can't stay." His voice cracked ever so slightly.

He then laid down on his side, pulling his knees toward his chest in an oddly child-like manner as his eyes closed. "Please go."


	4. Chapter 4

The weight in her chest was oppressive and she couldn't draw a breath around it.

Cal was not a man to do anything half-assed. He threw his passion full force into everything. His education, his science, his family…and her.

_Oh my God._

She took a tiny step backward and watched as he shifted on the couch to face away from her.

Her agonized breath was still elusive.

_Oh my God._

Gillian took a few more steps away, the backs of her knees bumping into his luggage.

He really was going. _And it was because of her._

The breath suddenly came to her, searing her throat and lungs as her eyes blurred. The sobs were silent, painful, cruelly racking her body. Tremors ran through her muscles, threatening collapse. One hand reached out to steady herself against the wall of the entry.

He loved her. No. _He was in love with her_.

Did she love him? _Very much so. But in that way_? She honestly wasn't sure. She'd been so busy staying on her side of their self-imposed line that she'd never contemplated it. The subject had always seemed taboo.

Gillian turned abruptly, almost stumbling when her heel snagged at the edge of the carpet. Tears coursed down her face as she let herself out.

_**(BREAK)**_

Cal sat near the gate waiting for his flight number to be called. The hollow feeling was back, his emotions having temporarily dried into parchment. A big part of that involved not thinking. _Damn it was hard_.

For the thousandth time, he wondered if he was doing the right thing. A huge part of him thought so but the other part thought him a coward. But it wasn't like he'd be gone for good. Just a few months. A university quarter. Not long at all.

Leaning forward, he massaged his temples in an attempt to ward off the resurgence of the morning's killer headache. Aspirin was wearing off early. The alcohol had left a lovely hangover but had also left the added bonus of all his memories from the previous night.

The fear in Gillian's eyes. He didn't know what happened. Some dark part of him that hadn't seen the light of day for years had reared up, but only for a moment. A moment too long.

_Fuck! Not supposed to think._

He bit back nausea and tried to wipe those thoughts away.

He'd never really considered teaching. Never thought he'd have the patience for it. But after he'd contacted UCLA about the speaking engagement, one thing had led to another and they'd offered him an adjunct professor position for the quarter. He expected that it might be a long 10 weeks but then again, if he was buried up to his eyeballs in papers and students, he wouldn't have a lot of time to think about everything else turning to shit. That was the theory at least.

He let out a sigh, moving his fingers from his temples to his burning eyes and pushing until lights flickered behind them.

_What was she doing right now?_ At the office no doubt. Going on with business because that's what she always did. On with the show and all that.

She hadn't left right away last night. He could feel her shock heavy in the room, probably the pity that he feared was there too. But he couldn't look at her. Couldn't bear to read it all over her face, so like a coward, he'd simply blocked out her presence. And then she left. He'd heard her lock the door behind her. Most people wouldn't have taken the time to do that. _Most people weren't Gillian_.

His stomach began to clench painfully.

_So much for not thinking._

_**(BREAK)**_

Gillian arrived early, intent on taking care of some paperwork that had been plaguing her. She already decided just to tell the staff that Lightman was taking some personal time and that's where it stood until she heard otherwise at least. There would still be those questioning looks but she was prepared to slip her own personal mask on and hoped that they wouldn't see through the cracks.

Firing up the computer, she waited impatiently for it to go through its cycles and allow her access. By burying herself in her work she hoped that she would not think about last night's events. Not think about the agony and sadness on his face or that trace amount of darkness that had her heart pumping harder or his desperate kiss that told her everything without him having to use his words.

The computer screen suddenly went blurry before she pushed against her eyes with the heel of her hand. Maybe she just needed reading glasses. That had to be it. She wiped at her eyes again in annoyance as the torrent started all over again.

And here she thought she was cried out. The previous evening had passed in a haze of tears that varied between choked sobs and quiet streams. At this rate, dehydration seemed to be inevitable.

He was probably on his way to L.A. now. Oddly enough, it was her old stomping grounds. Cal had also mentioned living there for a time many moons ago. She had always had the impression that he didn't care for it. Maybe she'd been wrong. Seems that she'd been wrong about a lot of things.

_He was in love with her._

With a sniffle, she realized that it explained a lot. Especially his behavior regarding Dave. _God, she'd been so damned blind_. Maybe she just hadn't wanted to see it. Hadn't wanted to complicate things. Hell, maybe _he_ wasn't even aware of it himself until recently. His actions made sense now. He'd wanted to distance himself emotionally and when that didn't work, physically.

Gillian hated feeling helpless.

And then there were own burgeoning emotions. She was having a difficult time pulling back and looking at them objectively. They currently existed only as a confusing jumble in her heart and in her head. One thing she did know, however, was that she already missed him.

Of course there was one full proof way to bring him back but she needed to be completely honest with herself first. Anything less would be disingenuous, if not just plain cruel to Cal. And she wasn't willing to do that.

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><p><strong><em>Just a transition chapter. Hope it wasn't too boring!<em>**


	5. Chapter 5

"Dr. Lightman?"

Cal grunted in acknowledgement but didn't initially look up from the mound of papers in front of him. Technically it was office hours for him but that didn't mean he had to jump to attention.

When he finally pulled his eyes upward, his first view was a hint of cleavage followed by what he assumed was one of his students. His classes were delivered in one of the main lecture halls so each totaled anywhere from 70 to 100 students. Thus the huge mound of papers on the desk in his closet sized office and his inability to recognize the young woman before him.

"What can I do for you Miss…?"

"Hutchins. Celia Hutchins." She held a hand out to him.

He took it and she gave his a lingering squeeze before releasing it.

The woman was a little older than many of his students. He pegged her in her early thirties with naturally blond hair and unnaturally blue eyes. The cosmetic contacts shown at him like fake sapphires. He vaguely wondered what her natural eye color was. Her manner was very self-assured

Cal waved at one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Have a seat."

"Oh, that's okay. I'll be brief."

She pulled a typewritten paper from her leather portfolio and leaned over to place it in front of him. The sweet perfume on her skin filled his nostrils.

"I had a question about the grade I received on this." She pointed with one lilac painted fingernail.

He paged through it, taking note of the comments he'd scrawled before his eyes found hers. _And?_

"I guess I don't understand."

"Darlin' you missed some keys points here." He swept over the text with pen in hand and gave her his best overview and how she could improve for the next one.

Leaning closer, she pressed lightly against his arm as she acknowledged and questioned. Finally she gave a nod and stepped back to his quiet relief. "Okay. I gottcha. Thank you so much." Taking her paper she stuffed it back in her binder and started to leave before stopping and turning around.

"Dr. Lightman?"

"Yeah?" He'd already gone back to his stack but glanced up at her.

"Would you…want to get some coffee sometime?" Her smile was sincere as she met his eyes.

He stared at her for a beat, noting an open, attractive face and slender frame before giving a smile that felt like plastic. "Don't think that's a good idea." In his mind's eye he was seeing natural blue eyes, freckles and pink.

"Probably not." She paused again before stepping back to his desk and pulling a post it off the pad on the corner. "But just in case you change your mind…" She hastily wrote her name and number and stuck it on top of the stack of papers he was currently grading. He caught another whiff of her perfume before Celia smiled demurely and left his office.

Leaning forward, Cal dropped his forehead into his palms and desperately wished for things to be different. _He missed her so much._

_**(BREAK)**_

The Federal Agent was tall and handsome with piercing green eyes, broad shoulders and a trim waist. Obviously someone who took their body and their job very seriously. And his smile for Gillian was large, bright and more than a little flirty.

Jake Crowley had requested the Lightman Group help out with a voice analysis regarding the kidnapping case of a high profile politician's teenage son. Initially his attitude had been less than open, only coming to them at the insistence of his superior.

"I have to admit that I was a little skeptical regarding what you do here but well, I guess you could say I'm a convert now." He smoothed his tie as he rocked back on his heels.

Gillian had been able to detect certain nuances in the kidnapper's voice that led them to an ex-con with a grudge against the senator for when the man had served as a judge. The boy was now safe and Jake was positive the Feds wouldn't have been able to track him down if it hadn't been for her expertise.

"Thank you." She smiled up at him as she walked him to the elevator. "I'm just glad that it worked out."

He sighed heavily with a note of sadness. "Same here. Too often it doesn't. Anything with kids is always rough."

"We've had our fair share of cases involving children. It's never easy." Gillian acknowledged, her mood suddenly somber. Most of the time they'd come to happy conclusions but she could remember a couple of cases when a child didn't survive and it had been heartrending for both her and Cal.

_Cal_. She bit her lip and felt a hitch in her breath before reaching to hit the elevator button when the agent didn't. He raised an eyebrow in question. "Here's your hat, what's your hurry?" There was a teasing light in his eyes and she felt herself get slightly flustered.

"I'm sorry. Just have a few things that need tending to."

"That's okay. I understand."

The elevator doors opened but he hesitated before entering, holding them with one hand. "Think I could ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What are you doing tomorrow night?"

When she didn't answer he plowed ahead. "I was just wondering if you'd care to join me for dinner. I know of this outstanding Thai place. Kind of a hole in the wall but the food is amazing." His green eyes were bright with expectation.

"I'm sorry. I can't." Her response was rueful but saying no to him seemed as natural as breathing. She'd have to think on that in more detail later.

"Oh. Okay. I didn't mean to put you on the spot." Disappointment flickered across his handsome face.

"It's fine. I do appreciate the offer though."

"Are you currently seeing someone?" He looked aghast at his own audacious question. "I'm sorry. That was a little bit personal."

"Not a problem. Thank you again." Gillian offered her hand, happy that he'd retracted his own query. To be honest, she wouldn't have known how to answer it if he'd pushed. Her heart was in its own personal war zone and the reason was currently 3000 miles away.

_**(BREAK) **_

"Cal, you think I could have a word?"

He was almost out the door, briefcase and laptop in hand when the man approached him. Cal turned, brows raised expectantly.

Michael Greene was a senior staff member and a highly respected psychologist in his own right. Cal had read much of the man's impressive research and he was positive that Gillian would be familiar as well. Now the older man stood before him, looking a little disconcerted, if not fearful. Cal felt warning bells start to ring somewhere in the back of his head.

"Sure Mike. What's going on?"

"If you're heading out, we could talk on the way to the parking lot."

"Course." He wasn't in any major hurry to get home. Before making the trip out he'd arranged for a small, furnished apartment in Westwood. Close to the campus but he often felt the walls closing in. "What's on your mind?"

Their footsteps echoed as they walked toward the closest elevators. Classes were currently in the quiet limbo between afternoon and evening and they were able to actually talk and be heard.

"I have a favor to ask."

Cal frowned at him. "Is everything okay?"

"Yes. Well, I think so at least. The thing is I was hoping you'd sit in on one of my classes to get a read on someone for me."

They stepped into the elevator and Cal reached out and tapped the button for the ground floor. "I could do that but I'd like to know what I'm looking for."

"There's a young man in my Political Psych class that's… well, he's having a hard time. I also know that his financial aid and scholarships rest on his keeping his GPA at a certain level."

"So he's putting pressure on you to pass him."

"I believe so."

The doors opened, and both men hung a right for the long trek to faculty parking.

"You believe so but you don't know for sure? He hasn't come right out and talked you about his options?"

"I've just had some…rather disturbing notes. One under my office door and one on my car."

"Have you reported them?"

"No, I want to be a little more certain. Make sure it is, in fact, him. It would be horrible if I'm mistaken. I wouldn't want to inadvertently ruin this boy's future."

Cal wondered if threatening notes were a mainstay in Dr. Greene's position. "Is it possible that they're coming from someone else?"

"I can't honestly imagine it." There was a thread of desperation in the old man's voice and Cal felt a tug of compassion.

"Sure, I'll sit in. Just tell me when and where."


	6. Chapter 6

Gillian arrived home to a stillness that she'd never really noticed before. The steady ticking of the clock above her mantle was the only sound to be heard. She stood several moments in the front hall listening to nothing before giving a quiet sigh and dumping her purse and keys on the bar separating the kitchen from the living room.

Jake Crowley had asked her out and she hadn't given it a single thought before telling him no. What does that mean exactly? He's attractive, funny but…what? Does she feel like she'd be betraying Cal? Or perhaps just being disloyal to him? Does that mean she really _is_ in love with him? Or does it simply mean she's too confused and conflicted to pursue _any_ kind of relationship right now?

Flicking on the stereo to push off the heavy silence, Amy Mann suddenly filled the front room. Humming along without thought, Gillian went into the kitchen to rustle up a light dinner. It was just past 6:30, 3:30 on the west coast. She wondered what he was currently doing. Teaching a class? Or was he done for the day? She hadn't heard anything from him with the exception of receiving a quick text with contact information. It had stung but she wasn't at all surprised. He had every right to feel the way that he did.

As she prepared her salad, tears came out of nowhere and started to push out of her eyes once again. She stopped, took a deep, ragged breath and hung onto the counter, head dipped. One tear ran down her cheek and she felt it drip off her chin. Another quickly followed. Before she knew it she was curled on the floor in the corner of her kitchen sobbing like a child. She couldn't see, she could barely breath any longer and the sudden onslaught scared the hell out of her. Was she crying because she was in love with him? Or because she was mourning the loss of her best friend? _God! _She needed to make some sense of it but with all emotions running so damned close to the surface it seemed almost impossible.

Her heart seemed to cramp in her chest as she bent forward, hugging her knees, attempting to rock away the ache.

The kiss had been startling but it also had been soft and warm and what had she done? Behaved like she was 14 and her date was trying to cop a feel. What the hell had she been thinking? The emotional connection was so deep and had been for so long, she wondered why she'd been so surprised. But what kind of love _was_ that? Friends or lovers? Was it possible for them to be both?

The million-dollar question. Well, one of them at least.

When Gillian was finally able to shakily get to her feet, she decided she wasn't hungry any longer. She put everything away and opted for a bath and bed. If she were asleep she wouldn't have to think about everything. At least not right now. A sleeping pill after her bath would give her the nudge she knew she was going to need.

_**(BREAK)**_

_The sudden knock startled him. He'd been slouched on the couch, sucking on a beer and staring at the t.v. but not really seeing it. Mostly crap anyway. The media telling everyone who they were supposed follow and adore. It was disgusting._

_ He frowned toward the door, wondering if he should even answer it. Seriously. Who the hell could it be? He'd been in L.A. only about a month and the only people he associated with were connected with the school. He seriously doubted one of his colleagues would want to stop by here. Hell, he wouldn't. _

_ With a sigh, curiosity got the better of him. Maybe it would be a Jehovah's Witness he could aggravate. That might be fun._

_ Bones popped as he got to his feet and stretched. Shit, he wasn't _that_ old. He took the required seven steps to the door and roughly pulled the door open, his lip already curling in derision. _

_ Instead his face completely blanked. _

_ Gillian stood two feet in front of him. She was dressed casually in jeans and an over sized pink top. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail revealing the slender curve of her neck. He couldn't find words so he just stared._

_ She caught her lower lip between her teeth and chewed lightly on it. It seemed that words were temporarily eluding her as well._

_ Finally he moved aside to allow her access to the little apartment. His heart rate was galloping as his blood pressure rose. She'd flown all the way to L.A. Could this mean…? He kept his features neutral even as he began to hope._

_ "Cal, I'm sorry to suddenly just show up like this." Awkwardness temporarily hung in the air._

_ He shook his head. No apologies were necessary. Cal wanted to sweep her into his arms but knew that everything had to be on her terms now._

_ "Um, I've had a lot of time to think." Her eyes brightened with tears but she seemed determined not to let them fall. "In fact that's all I've seemed to be doing."_

_ Finally finding his voice, Cal opened his mouth. "I'm sorry. I didn't expect-"_

_ She stepped closer into his space and silenced him with two fingers against his lips._

_ His mouth immediately went dry._

_ "You don't have anything to be sorry for." Her eyes slid to the side before a small smile touched her face. "Well, maybe for being a complete pain in the ass these last few months but I don't want you to be sorry for…" The thought dangled between them as her smile dropped._

_ Cal waited, his chest contracting painfully._

_ "Sometimes maybe it's better not to use words." Her voice was soft, demeanor almost shy. Reaching out, she gently cradled his face between her hands, leaned forward and lightly kissed him before moving slightly away to gauge his reaction._

_ He just stared at her in awe._

_ "So what are you reading Cal?"_

_ Swallowing, he quickly cleared his throat. "Something I didn't think I'd ever see."_

_ "No faith."_

_ "I'm a man of little faith. You know that."_

_ Gillian smiled again and it was the large beaming smile that always made his muscles go watery. "Maybe it's time for you to rethink things." With that she pressed her lips against his once again but this time it was emotional and full of meaning._

_ His arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush as he returned the kiss full force, not quite believing this was happening yet happy in the moment._

_ "I love you Cal." It was just a tiny whisper carried on her breath as her fingers curled in his hair._

_**(BREAK)  
><strong>_

Cal awoke and immediately glanced to the side, thinking that he'd see her silhouette under the covers next to him.

Just the tiniest sliver of moonlight met his gaze. She wasn't there. Gillian was currently on the other side of the country.

He turned onto his side and stared at the wall, trying desperately to hold onto the dream but feeling helpless and pained as it slipped through his grasp.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Feel like I lost some of you. Bored or just quiet? ;-)**_

* * *

><p>Cal was sitting in Michael Greene's much larger office. It reminded him a little of his study at the Lightman Group. Dark wood, comfortable furniture, great books but the older man liked his greenery. Plants adorned every windowsill, bookshelf and corner. Unfortunately all Cal could think about were aphids.<p>

Dr. Greene was behind his desk looking more than a little distressed. Cal felt bad for him but the classroom read had been pointless. The kid needed to be interviewed directly. Seeing unsolicited emotions from a distance was pretty damned inconclusive.

There was a knock at the door a moment before it opened and Daniel Trevino peeked in. He was 20 years old with dark hair to his shoulders, dark eyes, low riding jeans, a fake black leather jacket, backpack in tow. "Dr. Greene?"

"Yes Daniel. Please come in."

He stepped inside, stopping abruptly when he saw Cal get to his feet and hold a hand out. "Daniel, I'm Cal Lightman and I'd like to have a chat with you."

Recognition crept onto the boy's face as he reluctantly took the offered hand in a quick shake and released it just as quickly.

"You know who I am."

"Man, everyone in the psych department knows who you are." Fear and agitation made him tense, ready to run.

"Have a seat son." Cal waved to one of the chairs in front of Mike's desk. The older man said nothing.

"I don't…um…I think I should be going." He took a step back toward the door, hitching his backpack higher on his shoulder. "Dr. Greene, we could discuss the extra credit later if that's okay."

"Actually it's not." Cal stood very near to him. "Sit."

He sat, head swiveling back and forth between his professor and the deception expert. His eyes were huge. "What's this all about?"

"What's your full name?"

"Huh?"

"You know. First, middle, last name."

The boy frowned. "Daniel Manuel Trevino."

"Manuel was your dad's name?"

"Yeah, why?"

_Was _was the operative word. The boy's father had been dead for close to six years. He lived with his mother, driving in from Hawthorne. Not _too_ far but it wasn't a particularly pleasant place to live.

"I think I'm gonna jump right into things Dan. Don't want to waste any time. Yours _or_ mine. Especially mine." Cal leaned against the desk, staring intently and watching the kid squirm as a result. "What do you know about…certain threatening letters?"

The boy gaped up at him. "What are you talking about?"

"Sometimes people can't make it in school. Just the way it is. Can't go threatening teachers when it happens. Tends to end badly."

"I…wait…you guys think I've done something like that?" Genuine anger crossed his face but there was a little something extra, a little something that he couldn't hide with his indignation.

Cal didn't answer initially, just watched as the boy glared.

"Dr. Greene?" Daniel looked over at his professor. "You're getting some kind of threats?"

Mike didn't say anything but his face looked deeply troubled.

"So _you'd_ never do somethin' like that? Just remember, there's no shame in getting a real world education. Some of the smartest people I know don't have college degrees." Cal smiled. He was actually sincere.

"No way! That's complete bullshit! I wouldn't do that!"

"But you know who would."

Bullseye. The kid swallowed, looked down and didn't say anything.

Leaning forward, Cal continued to stare as the boy shifted uncomfortably. "These are serious allegations Daniel. Right now it looks kind of bad for you. We need to clear this up otherwise the admin of the school won't be too happy with you. Dr. Greene here wants to think the best, did you know that?" His dark eyes rose, briefly meeting Cal's before flitting to his professor. "Yeah, he does. But as for me, well, I don't take kindly to scare tactics and I really wouldn't care if you hung out to dry or not."

"You don't understand…" Daniel mumbled, his eyes back to staring at his hands.

"Help me then."

The boy was quiet for several long moments before he finally looked up, face still fearful but finding his inner strength. "Look, I'll take care of it." He dismissed Cal and focused on his professor. "I'm sorry Dr. Greene. I had no idea. " He rose to his feet, anxious to get away from Lightman but still wanting to save face. "Maybe I could get that extra assignment after all?"

_**(BREAK) **_

Cal flipped up his collar to the Southern California drizzle. He was actually happy to have it. It meant that the brown smudges around the periphery would be missing for a day or two. He still had a hard time with the concept of seeing the air he breathed.

The quarter was half over. Seemed like he'd been in L.A. longer than that though. Nevertheless, he'd soon have to come to a decision. Continue to teach or go home? He'd already been approached concerning spring but he hadn't responded just yet. He honestly didn't know. L.A. gave him a six hour drive to Emily but D.C. gave him his business, his home…and… He didn't want to think about it. Already his stomach was clenching at the thought of her. How long does it take to get over someone? It had taken a long while with Zoë, but he had a feeling that this was going to be worse. Much worse.

Shifting his train of thought, he vaguely wondered about the whole Trevino incident. The boy had been genuinely disturbed by the accusations but Cal wondered if that would be the end of it. His gut told him no.

And naturally as he approached his car, his gut was proving to be right. _Damnit._

A young man leaned against the fender. There was a definite resemblance to Daniel Trevino but this guy was older by five or so years, maybe not taller but a lot more solid. His hair was cropped short, both ears pierced, scruff of a goatee, several noticeable tattoos, one on the side of his neck. He smiled large when he saw Cal.

"You Dr. Lightman?"

Cal stared at him, unimpressed. "Who are you?"

"Just someone who wants to talk."

Stopping several yards away, Cal felt a tiny bit of dread but kept his face blank. "Talk then."

"Here?"

"Why not? Nice open area."

"It's raining."

"Barely."

The man shrugged, moving away from the car, taking a couple of steps toward Cal. "Hear you were threatening my brother."

"Threatenin' your brother? Unlikely. I don't threaten, I promise. But just so we're straight and I know what promise it was, who's your brother?" Just for the record.

"Danny Trevino."

Grunting, Cal nodded. "He's a good kid. Are you the one trying to screw things up for him?"

"I'm trying to help him man!"

"Don't know if you got the memo, but you're not helping him."

Anger coursed through the man's face. "Do you have any idea how hard he worked to get into this school? Guys like me don't go to college but Danny is smart. He's so fucking smart. He deserves to be here. He can be something great if he's just given the chance!"

"He has his chance. Just like any other student here."

"_Not any other student. _We can't buy our way in like most of these assholes. We have to work harder and that's what he did. He can't lose it all over one grade."

Cal felt a tug. He knew all about what this guy was talking about. At one time, _he_ was the kid from the wrong side of the tracks. _He_ was the kid that had to work harder because he didn't get all the breaks that everyone else seemed to get. But then again, he'd never been involved in threatening a life either. His compassion dispelled slightly.

"His professor is tryin' to work with him. If Danny is as smart as you say he is, it should work out."

"Maybe." The man gave a slow smile that caused the hair on the back of Cal's neck to stand upright. "Sounds like Greene wasn't going to narc him out. Good for him. But I heard that you don't have a problem with it."

"Dr. Greene is my friend and my priority. I don't take kindly to him being threatened. Pretty fucking low to scare an old man." Cal's temper started to flair.

The smile quickly fell away. "How about this? If my kid brother flunks out I know exactly who to blame. And it won't be the old man."

Cal watched as the man turned and walked out of the parking lot, his head hunched down against the light rain.

_Wonderful. Was he always a shit magnet wherever he went?_

_ At least if Trevino's crazy older brother shanked him, he won't have to worry about making any more big decisions._


	8. Chapter 8

_**Cool. Just checking! **_

* * *

><p>He'd been gone two months now but there was hardly a moment when he wasn't lurking in the inner workings of her mind. She missed him. She missed his cocky sideways grin, the way he undressed her with his eyes when he thought she wasn't looking, his sweet corner of the mouth kisses, his sexy accent, his hugs, the tenderness he showed her when she was hurting, the way the world narrowed when he stared at her in that intense way of his, the way he filled a room with his larger than life personality…<p>

Sitting behind her desk, Gillian couldn't really concentrate on the computer screen in front of her. She'd had many instances like that. Work would be taking all her attention and then all of a sudden, her mind would wander to him. What he was doing. How the teaching was working out (_that _was a huge curiosity on her part). And then, unbidden, a thought burrowed its way into her consciousness. What if he'd moved on? What if he'd found someone out there?

The sudden grief was crippling and took her breath away. Tears blurred her vision. What if? It's not like she gave him any indication of her own conflicted emotions. As far as he was concerned, his love was unrequited. That's why he left. He couldn't handle being near her any longer, feeling the way he did.

She held onto the edge of the desk for support.

_Did this mean what she thought it meant?_ Was she just a slow learner?

Oh my God.

_Was_ she in love with him?

Her eyes fell to a small photo at the edge of her desk. It was a candid one taken last year when she'd come by the Lightman house for dinner. Emily had been sneaking around with the new digital camera she'd received for her birthday and Gillian and her father had been just two of the girl's hapless victims. When Em had dumped all the photos in her computer, this particular one had apparently jumped out at her and she'd gifted it to Gillian. There had been more than a hint of mischief in the girl's eyes at the time.

Now, she reached over and picked it up, touching it gently with one finger, unconsciously tracing his face. They'd been just at the edge of the kitchen, facing one another, relaxed, smiling genuinely. There was a softness in his expression that was mirrored in her own. Gillian studied the photo a tiny bit more closely and her breath caught. Anyone looking at this would see only one thing.

She carefully placed it back in its spot, slightly trembling, almost reverent.

_**(BREAK) **_

His lecture was over and students were filing out of the hall in droves. Several stayed around to ask questions and make comments including Celia of fake blue eyes and coffee. She had stayed away up until this point but with the end of the quarter approaching, she'd started hanging around after class and flirting. Cal was careful to keep his wall up but she was persistent. And cute. And he was only human. If he would just be able to push away another woman's image for more than five minutes at a time, it might even be worth pursuing.

Her sweet perfume wafted over him as she leaned near, lightly touching his forearm. "Have you thought more about that coffee?"

Actually he had but that was about it. Shaking his head he offered a tight smile. "Have a lot on my plate right now."

Celia nodded slowly, disappointment there but muted. "I guess I just figured it was because you were my professor and it would be a conflict of interest."

"Well there's that."

"But that's not completely it."

"No, it's not."

She seemed to be waiting for some kind of explanation but when none was offered, she gave a shrug. "On the rebound. I guess I can understand that."

He opened his mouth to respond but his attention was thankfully jerked away.

"Cal, glad I caught you." Mike stepped in the door, stopping short when he saw the young woman. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine. What's going on?" Cal moved away, partially to give the other man his full attention, partially to avoid Celia's fragrance. Besides there were several other students still gathering their things or loitering.

"Thought you'd like to know-"

"He didn't pass did he?"

Greene shook his head slowly, exasperated. "I gave him every chance. He just never completed the work. Thought you should know, considering…" Cal had given him the cliff notes regarding Manny Jr.'s little visit.

"Fair enough. Thanks for the head's up."

_**(BREAK)**_

She toyed with her phone, undecided. It would only be early afternoon there. Maybe she should wait until tonight. A tiny bit of excitement flickered in her heart at the thought of talking to him, even as awkward as it was bound to be. The excitement was suddenly tempered by fear. _Crap_.

Gillian got to her feet, deciding that coffee might be a very good idea. Maybe a jolt of caffeine would rein her in and help her focus. It was a thought at least. She generally preferred to get it from outside the building but it felt like too much trouble so she decided to settle for the coffee maker in the break room.

Voices caught her attention from just outside the doorway.

"Oh my God!" It was a soft gasp from Torres.

"Holy shit." Loker was a little louder.

"Jesus." Heidi's voice was only a whisper.

She stepped inside. "What's going on?" Gillian wasn't sure to be annoyed at the party in the break room or concerned at what she just heard.

Loker stepped right in front of her, blocking her view. "Just some sensationalistic news. Usual crap." The quiet drone of the little TV in the background filled the awkward gap.

Narrowing her eyes, Gillian glared up at him. "Then why do you look worried?"

"Loker, let her in. She'd going to see it eventually." Torres' voice was almost an order. He let out a huff of air and moved aside, his mouth thinning, eyes concerned for his lady boss.

Her brow crinkled as her eyes flitted to each employee before landing on the television. The frown deepened as she stepped further into the room. She stared transfixed at the little screen. Now she could see what the problem was. Now she understood the reaction from her employees.

Gillian's heart seemed to drop into her stomach as she fought the urge to sit down.

_No. This was _not_ happening._

* * *

><p><em><strong>Am I evil? ;)<br>**_


	9. Chapter 9

_**Not really happy with the way this is coming together. Sounded better in my head I think. Of course it really is just a means to an end for Cal and Gillian.**_

* * *

><p>Danny Trevino had a hell of a problem. Well, actually several but the one foremost in his mind involved his loyal but crazy older brother. The funny thing was that Poli Psych wasn't the only class he was failing. He just had way too much going on and couldn't concentrate to save his ass. Between the full time job, mama, and oh God, Patty, there wasn't time in his frazzled brain for school and Manuel didn't get it. He had delusions of his younger brother making something huge of himself and to be honest, Danny did have plans. Big plans. But things needed to calm down. He needed to make some solid choices and school had to be pushed back slightly. He didn't want to leave. Hell no. He'd worked too hard to get there but he did need to take a couple of quarters off.<p>

Right now one thing he was certain of was that his brother meant business. Manuel only thought in terms of black and white, always looking for someone to take the blame when his life took a wrong turn...or when Danny's life took a wrong turn. Dr. Greene had made some comments a few weeks into the semester about knuckling down and making the grade. That he was too smart to fail but he _did _need to try. As innocuous sounding as they were, Manny hadn't liked them. Something to the effect that 'old man thinks his shit doesn't stink.' And then there was Lightman. Danny inwardly groaned. The man was inherently direct and abrasive. Pretty much told Manny that he wouldn't tolerate any bullshit. Danny didn't blame him. Not really. He was just trying to protect the old man but well Manny was…well, Manny. He'd had a rough time of it and now reveled in his tough guy persona. He was well respected in the neighborhood, primarily because he'd served time but he wasn't a particularly bright person.

Danny yanked his bag from the ancient little truck that faithfully got him where he needed to go before his cell phone text alert went off. He took a second to check the message before his heart leapt in his chest.

_Couldn't be a coincidence._

_ Shit. How was he going to get in _now_?_

Wait. There was a way. With a little luck…

Mouth going dry with fear, he threw his backpack over his shoulder and broke into a run.

_**(BREAK)**_

Text message alerts echoed through the lecture hall.

Cal frowned and pulled his phone out of his pocket as most everyone else did the same.

"What's this?" Celia's voice held a tremor. "What do they mean by lockdown?"

All staff and students were connected to the emergency system via cell phones for instant communications.

"Means that someone was spotted on campus with a weapon." A boy that had been dragging his feet packing his book bag looked up, eyes wide. His own phone was tightly clutched in his left hand.

"He's right." Mike looked concerned but not panicked. "Most likely it's a false alarm but we need to lock up just in case." He turned to pull closed the door that he'd just entered through as Cal strode the opposite direction to get the west door. He stopped short when a familiar figure slipped in.

"Hey doc. Remember me?" Manny Trevino offered a friendly smile that did nothing for his eyes. Neither did the pistol tucked in the front of his pants. Two other men flanked out from behind him.

Cal felt a coldness trickle into his bones but he kept his face neutral. He heard a gasp behind him from Celia. "You're the reason for the lockdown I gather?"

Trevino appeared bemused for a moment. "Lockdown?"

"People tend to become concerned when they see someone walking around with a piece."

The smile returned and his voice was soft. "Course they would. Guess you know the reason me and my boys are here."

One moved past Cal, knocking into him roughly before slumping in one of the front seats. The other leaned up against the dry erase board behind the podium. They both appeared bored.

"Let me think. To _completely_ flush your brother's future down the crapper?"

Pulling the pistol out of his jeans, Trevino leveled it at Cal's face. "Say that again."

Instinctively ducking, Cal attempting to make himself a smaller target but held a hand out in a stop gesture. "Look mate, you've got a bone to big with me. I get that, but the rest should be free to go."

For the first time, Manny's eyes scanned the room and found six others staring at him fearfully. He appeared undecided.

"Do you have a plan?" Cal kept his voice level.

Anger returned to the younger man's features. "Course."

"Does it involve witnesses or are your boys gonna take care of that little problem?"

"Shut the fuck up."

A siren could be heard in the distance, followed by several more.

"They know you're here Manny. You really want to do something you're gonna regret?"

Cal heard movement behind him.

"Put the gun down son." Mike stepped forward, hands splayed. "We can work this out."

"You need to sit your ass down old man. Nothing can be worked out. Danny is fucked and you and the other doc here are responsible." The gun wavered between Lightman and Greene. Cal waved Mike back ever so slightly, making sure to sidestep in front of him.

"Okay. You think I'm responsible. What does Danny think?" Cal's voice was quiet, his body language still shying away from the gun.

"What does he know? He's a kid!"

"I think he knows more than what you give him credit for. He's a smart kid. You said so yourself. Have you talked to him about all this?"

"He knows that I would do _anything_ to protect him!" The young man was becoming more agitated, more confused.

It was obvious that he had no real plans. He'd made his threats, thinking that that would be enough…but now he was flying without a net. Of course it was a question of how far he was willing to go. How far had he gone in the past?

_**(BREAK)**_

"…_entire campus on lockdown…"_

_ "…reportedly three armed suspects seen entering the main lecture hall…"_

_ "…purported hostages include Dr. Michael Greene and Dr. Cal Lightman, renowned deception expert currently guest lecturing…"_

The reporter went on briefly to describe some of Cal's achievements, including his work with the FBI and his book.

Gillian's insides turned to water. She could see Eli hovering protectively in her periphery. She wanted to tell him not to bother but didn't.

"…_no demands at this time…"_

"If anyone can talk himself out of a situation like that, Lightman can." Loker offered.

Ria and Heidi both looked at him like he'd sprouted antlers. Gillian didn't appear to have heard, her eyes wide and glued to the TV.

"Theoretically." He swallowed and decided to shut up.

_**(BREAK)**_

"I know you would. That's what big brothers do. But do you _really_ think you're helping him by doing this?"

Once again, confusion mixed with anger crossed his features.

_Was it now about saving face?_ _Seriously? _The other two were now watching Manny expectantly.

"How about this? You let the rest of them outta here and then you're free to do whatever with me. I'm unarmed. I can't fight you. But keep in mind, once it's done it's done. The cops are swarming the campus now. How long do you want to leave Danny? Your mother? She needs you, yeah? I understand she's not well."

"He's weaseling man. He's weaseling!" The other man slouched in the front desk shook his head with an unpleasant smile.

"Shut up!" Manny snapped at his subordinate but he looked at Cal. "I know what you're doing."

"I'm just speaking the truth son. You will, no doubt, be going away but it's up to you for how long. Killing me or anyone else in here would be a throwin' away the key kind of deal, if not worse. You just want to tag me with bare knuckles? Get some of that aggression out? Well, I'm right here. Go for it so we can all call it a day." Cal straightened and dropped his hands to his sides, eyes not leaving the young man's face.

Anger. _Oh yeah_. Fear. _Without a doubt_. Desperation? _The beginnings were_ _there which of course was hardly surprising_. Homicidal intent? _Cal didn't see it_. What he did see was a hell of a lot of pride. Sometimes too much could be a very dangerous thing. Hopefully it wouldn't get him shot.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Thanks all! Glad this is working for you! **_

* * *

><p>"Hey bro." A soft voice was heard from the doorway as it cracked open ever so slightly. Dumb asses hadn't locked it.<p>

Manny swiveled quickly, both hands still wrapped around the barrel of his pistol. "Shit man! What the hell you doing here?" He lowered the muzzle of the weapon to the floor. "How'd you get in here? Aren't there cops?"

"Yeah there are. But not in the building. Not yet at least. I used the tunnels." Daniel was quiet as he slipped inside. "Couldn't let you do this. You're going to wreck everything."

"What are you talking about? One of these guys might be able to change things!"

"No man they can't. They have nothing to do with any of it. Fucking up this quarter is all on me, not them."

"I thought you said…"

Daniel sighed, walking around his brother and plopping down at one of the desks. "I say a lot of things. Most of the time I' m just venting though." He now looked at him pointedly. "You need to stop trying to protect me. I can take care of myself."

Cal glanced back at the others. No one had moved. Greene looked a bit haggard, almost as if he'd aged a few more years since Manny and his boys had walked in the door. Celia was pale and trembling, saucer eyes suddenly locked on his. The four students that had loitered after class definitely looked scared and regretful.

He returned his line of sight to the brothers. Part of him wanted to step in but for once decided to keep his mouth shut. _Gillian would be impressed._

"You're my baby brother. Dad made me promise to look out for you."

"I know all that. And I appreciate it. Really I do man but if I'm going to be the person that you want me to be, you need to let me do it in my own way. To be honest I should _never_ have signed up for this quarter."

Confusion once again. "What do you mean?"

Daniel didn't answer, eyes falling to the frayed edge of his sleeve. "Are you going to stop this?"

Manny's gaze flicked from his brother, to Lightman, to his boys and to the others before resting back on his brother. "Think it might be too late."

"No it's not son." Cal took a small step forward, hand lifting tentatively. The young man moved back, gun rising. The other two were immediately on alert. Cal stopped. "You're only gonna make it worse." His tone was not taunting just factual.

Danny looked up at his brother, his eyes slightly watery. "Please man. Please stop this. Tony and Rick need to stand down too. You guys don't need to make this mistake. There's cops everywhere out there, SWAT too. I'm not fucking kidding." The boy pushed himself out from behind the desk, stepped forward and deliberately put himself between Cal and his brother's gun. "You're going to get yourself killed. This is the big time. It's not a game of king of the mountain in the neighborhood."  
>"Step away Daniel." Under no circumstances did he want this kid taking a bullet for him. Cal moved out from behind him.<p>

"No Dr. Lightman. He's not going to shoot." The boy held a hand out to his brother. "What is this going to do to mama?"

Guilt flickered quickly across Manny's face.

"You know Patty's pregnant?"

Shock accentuated the guilt. "_What_?"

"Yeah man. You're going to be an uncle. It would nice if you were alive to meet him." He continued to reach out.

Making a decision that could very well get him arrested, Cal edged closer to Daniel, keeping his hands visible and his eyes on the boy's brother.

"Take them to the tunnels." His voice was barely audible but he received a startled and disbelieving look. "Get yourself somewhere safe then."

Danny's face continued to question until Cal gave an imperceptible nod, eyes deadly serious. "Go lad. Now."

The boy stepped forward. "Bro, we need to get you guys out of here."

The brothers stared at one another for several long moments, communicating silently while Cal held his breath.

Finally, Manuel nodded. "Come on guys."

Danny peeked out into the hallway, gave a 'let's go' jerk of his head and then they were gone.

"What happened?" Celia's voice was breathless as she stepped near Cal.

Not answering, he stared past her and met Mike's eyes. He wanted the old man to give the boys a few minutes before making the call out. He hoped against hope that they might be on the same page. Otherwise, Cal might just be spending some quality time as a guest of the county.

Mike looked unhappy but relieved. He slowly took out his phone and stared at it blankly for a moment before glancing back up at Cal. "Um, I believe I'm a bit too shaken. Have to think a minute to remember the dean's number. Knew I should have programmed it." He shifted around to run his eyes over the students. "Sit tight for a bit. Can't leave until they know to expect us. Too dangerous otherwise."

_**(BREAK)**_

Celia was at the mercy of the bus system so Cal gave her a lift home. She lived in an apartment without any personality just like so many others in L.A., not too dissimilar from his own. It was only three or four miles from the campus.

"Would you like to come up for a beer?" Her eyes were hopeful but she still trembled from her experience. Was still pale beneath her tan.

He should have said no but what he answered instead was, "Sure."

She led him through the front security gate, turned right to climb an outside staircase before ushering him into her little studio.

Cal looked around. An overstuffed couch against one wall, what appeared to be a Murphy bed behind a curtain on the opposite wall, 19-inch television in the corner, a couple of stools against the small bar that separated the tiny kitchen from the living/bedroom area and a closed door leading to the bathroom. And of course there were books. Stacks of them everywhere. The place couldn't have topped 400 square feet. And he thought _his_ place was small.

"Sorry, it's kind of messy." Celia cleared some papers off the couch and relocated them to a stack on the bar. She waved him to have a seat while she took a few steps to the kitchen. "Heineken okay?"

"Sounds good."

He was beginning to think that this was a very bad idea, but he sat anyway. The inner struggle continued while she offered him a bottle and sat next to him.

"Thanks luv." Taking a long pull, he could see her watching him out of the corner of his eye. She finally took a sip of her own beer.

"Do you have any idea what happened today?"

"Not much."

"Seemed like he planned on hurting you."

"Maybe. A lot going on in that room that we weren't privy to." He took another swallow.

"Lots of issues."

"Yeah."

"You think the cops got them?" Her tone was knowing. Almost like she suspected that he'd given them the extra time they'd needed.

He chose not to acknowledge it. "Dunno." One final swig finished the bottle and he leaned forward to put it on the coffee table. It was probably time to leave. She was sitting a little too close.

"You do realize I'm not looking for a steady relationship."

"Huh?" She'd jumped tracks on him.

"I just went through a divorce last year and currently have no interest whatsoever in anything but a good time." She stared at him intently, her eyes darkening as he watched.

_Shit_. He'd known coming up had been a bad idea. _And that's probably why he_ _was there_. He was, after all, the king of bad choices.

"Seems like you went through one hell of a break up. I understand that but we're both adults. We can enjoy one another without ties." Her thigh was against his as his resolve slipped. Celia leaned in and kissed him. He allowed it, even returned it. Her kiss was forceful, tongue pushing past their lips and seeking his out aggressively. She knew what she wanted and wasn't shy about it. Her arms wrapped around his neck as his hands settled on her waist, rubbing gently, feeling her blouse ride up and her smooth skin underneath. Climbing into his lap, she straddled him, pushing down against him, teasing. Her lips left his and ran down his jawline to his throat and chest as her fingers deftly unbuttoned his shirt.

God he wanted this. Needed this. Celia felt so good. So warm. So soft. Another face suddenly rose up behind his eyes. _A beautiful one with natural blue eyes, a spray of freckles, soft brunette hair highlighted with blond…_

He pulled away a little too roughly, pain welling inside. _He did want this. God knows. But not with this woman. No. Not with her._

Breathing hard, he moved his eyes up to meet Celia's confused ones. "I'm sorry. I can't do this."

She stared at him, disbelieving.

"I'm sorry." He repeated, begging her to understand.

Without a word, she slid from his lap. Neither said anything for several moments while she wrestled with his rejection.

Finally she found her words. "Wow. All I can say is that she must be pretty amazing to have this kind of hold."

Cal looked at her helplessly.

"It's okay. A _long hot_ bath and I'll be fine." She got up and cleared the beer bottles. "Give me a call when you're ready. I'll be around."

He was instantly on his feet and reaching for his coat and the doorknob.

"Oh, Dr. Lightman?"

"Yeah?" His voice was like gravel.

"This isn't going to affect my grade right?"

Startled he turned toward her to find a soft, teasing smile on her lips. It was even genuine.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: There's an extensive tunnel system underneath the UCLA campus. From my understanding, most of the buildings have some sort of access. As far as whether the story is feasible in this regard is anyone's guess (unless of course you're an urban explorer). It may not be a probable situation but then again, it might be possible right? ;-)**_

_**BTW, wondering where all you other writers are. Been alone for a few days. You guys aren't burning out on LTM are you? :(  
><strong>_


	11. Chapter 11

**_Thank you very much for the lovely reviews and comments!_**

* * *

><p>According to the news, the gunmen had gotten away and no one was injured. There was brief footage of Cal, flanked by a white-haired gentleman and several students, being escorted from the building. His hands were shoved deeply in his pockets, face unreadable. Gillian wished the camera had been a little closer but the relief she felt at seeing him was overwhelming. If she hadn't been surrounded by her employees she probably would have burst into tears. At least she finally had been able to draw a comfortable breath for the first time since stepping into that breakroom and seeing the televised campus. <em>He was okay<em>.

Gillian felt compelled to call him but fear kept delaying it. _What if he didn't want to talk to her now? Had it been too long? Had he given up? _Her heart seized at all the negative possibilities. Really, he didn't owe her anything. He'd presented his feelings in the only way that she knew he could and she'd shot him down. It hadn't been intentional but had happened nonetheless. That evening was forever embossed upon her memory.

She curled up into a tighter ball on the couch in his study. The room was quiet and comfortable and as close to being wrapped in his embrace as she could currently get. She could almost smell the scent of his aftershave. _How was it possible to feel warm, cozy and completely miserable at the same time?_

Her phone was locked in her hand and had been for the last two hours. She just needed to summon a little courage.

_**(BREAK)**_

The silence was deep when he got back to his own apartment. He wondered how someplace with tissue thin walls could be so quiet. Maybe that's not what it was. Maybe the silence was only inside him. Cal stood listening to his harried breaths and rapid heartbeats. Maybe silence was just another word for loneliness.

He leaned back against the door, and ran his hand through his already mussed hair. His jaw clenched as a wave of familiar anger coursed through him. _He didn't have to be lonely. _He'd just left someone who'd been willing to fill that gap. Someone attractive and sweet. But then again that was just sex wasn't it? It wasn't the same thing.

The phone suddenly trilled away from his pocket, startling him. Could be a number of people. Someone from the school, the cops (they'd been looking at him a little suspiciously but didn't have any proof that he'd done anything wrong. As far as he knew, the boys had slipped from between their fingers. Probably that was why they were pissed). As it was, it was Emily. _Shit._ He should have called her right away.

"Hey darlin'."

"Dad! Oh my God! Are you okay? I didn't know anything about it and then my roommate's like, 'doesn't your dad teach at UCLA?' and I turn around and the news is talking about gunmen and hostages-"

"Hold on luv. I'm fine. Really. I'm fine." He heard a sniffle and couldn't help but give a sad smile.

"What happened?" Another little sob.

Cal honestly didn't know what to say. Especially on the cell. "I'll tell you about it when I see you."

There was a pause. "Are you coming up?"

Actually he'd been thinking of making the drive. Seemed like a good time. Classes were cancelled until Monday. "If that's alright. Not impinging on anythin' am I?"

"No. I can study around you." Emily sniffled again but he thought he could hear a smile. "Just like old times."

"Yeah luv. Just like old times."

"When should I expect you?"

"Uh, probably tomorrow evening. Feeling knackered. Probably drive off the road if I left now."

"What? Cal Lightman can't handle his excitement?" She teased.

He took a deep breath. "Probably could use a little less excitement, at least for a week or two."

Emily's tone suddenly shifted and he felt himself brace. "Have you heard from Gillian?"

He didn't say anything immediately, the emotional wound persistently raw and angry. Closing his eyes, he clutched the phone a little more tightly. His voice was stilted. "No, I haven't."

"Maybe you should call her…"

_So she could kick him while he was down?_ No, she wouldn't do that but that night of rejection was vivid in his head, despite the alcohol he'd consumed. "I don't think she'd want to hear from me luv."

"You can't know that."

"No, but I can suspect it."

The pain in his voice tore at her. When he'd contacted her to let her know that he'd be in L.A. for a few months, he wouldn't even talk to her about it. All he'd say was that things had gone badly. Emily pretty much had put two and two together and had wept for them both. It just wasn't fair. She didn't know two people who were more perfectly suited for one another.

"I'm sorry. I still think you're wrong though."

"You weren't there." The retort was childish and he immediately regretted it. "Um, why don't I give you a call tomorrow when I'm headin' out?"

"Sure dad. Just be careful. Love you."

"Love you too."

And then she was gone. He missed her voice immediately. He missed _her_.

Slipping his phone back in his pocket, he shrugged out of his coat and tossed it on the couch. Exhaustion was washing over him with a vengeance even though it was only three or so. Probably just fallout from earlier events. Cal headed to the kitchen to whip up a bit of his usual before retiring back to the couch to stare sightlessly at the TV.

_**(BREAK)**_

Cal awoke with a start, initially unsure as to the reason. A moment later the phone rang again. He'd fallen asleep on the couch, his hand tucked under his jaw. Now he grimaced as the tingling nerves snapped back to life and brought on the dreaded pins and needles. He shook his right hand out and awkwardly answered the phone with his left. He didn't check caller ID.

"Lightman." His voice was rough.

There was a long pause at the other end as he frowned.

"I wanted to see if you were alright." Gillian was quiet. Her tone was relieved but very fearful.

A block of ice fell into his belly. He couldn't form words for several moments. Finally they came out strangled. "I'm fine."

Another pause. She sounded a little younger. "You don't sound fine."

"The, uh, whole school situation wasn't as much as it may have appeared."

"Seemed pretty bad."

He didn't answer. Her listened to her and then listened to her just breath. She appeared to be doing the same thing. His heart alternately swelled and deflated. Her voice was the sweetest sound as well as the most torturous. Cal pushed his tingling hand into his hair as his other tightened around the phone.

"I'm glad you're okay." Gillian bit her lip, unsure where to go from here. He didn't sound angry just tired. She couldn't be completely sure if it was physical or emotional. All she knew was that the sound of his beautiful voice was soothing to her, cool water to her parched soul.

"_You_ okay?" His hand was going to cramp if he didn't let up. Cal loosened his grip slightly.

"Honestly…I've…been better." Gillian sounded like she spoke the truth. _Could it be possible that she was as upset as he was? Or was it only because of the whole UCLA thing?_

"Me too luv."

A sob caught in her throat at the endearment. _Had it been an accident?_ "Um, I probably have no right to ask." She paused, fighting to control her emotions. "But when do you think you may come home? Or…are you staying in L.A.?" Her breathing was uneven and started to hitch as she slowly lost the battle.

He heard it. She was crying. _Why? She missed him as a friend or was there something more?_

Rubbing his eyes with his fingers, he slumped back into the couch, allowing several beats of silence to pass between them before he responded. He was hopeful but afraid to be hopeful. "Do _you_ want me to come home?"

Another sob. A shaky intake of breath. Yet another long pause. "Yes."

He almost smiled. Almost. But that would leave him even more vulnerable. He had to be sure. "What does this mean Gillian?"

More sobs. Cal wanted to pull her into his arms, his heart breaking, his own eyes tearing. _3000 miles be damned_.

"It means what you want it to mean, Cal."


	12. Chapter 12

Cal was able to close out the last couple weeks of the quarter at UCLA without further incident. Celia was cordial in the last class but didn't stay after, which was a huge relief. Manny and his buddies had successfully avoided the police, which was actually pretty impressive, considering. And then there was Daniel. On good word from Mike, the boy was able to withdraw from the university until he could get his personal shit worked out. He'd be on academic probation at his return but he was okay with that. He'd sought Cal out again to thank him for what he'd done. Nothing else needed to be said. The world of Trevino would continue to rotate between the brothers. Hopefully Manny would prove to smarten up. Cal doubted it though.

Business was more or less tied up in L.A. and all he had left was to report final grades. He could easily do that from home. And now it was time to return to the east coast. Cal's stomach flopped around a lot regarding that. Well, maybe not about going back, but seeing Gillian made him want to keep a flask of antacid on him. The thought of her had his insides squeezing and twisting painfully. They'd talked, which was good but there was still distance between them and not just physical. It was more his doing to be honest. He kept his arm straight out, locked to keep her away. He couldn't help it though. It was instinctive to protect himself after that night. God, he looked forward to seeing her though.

The flight was slightly ahead of schedule when they landed in Denver. The connection to D.C. wasn't for another couple of hours, giving him time to grab some airport food and people watch. He hadn't paid attention to the news which turned out not to be such a great thing. Gnawing on a sandwich, he approached his gate and stopped short in front of the huge windows that overlooked several planes and a small section of the runway. _Oh shit._

Snow was coming down in huge fuzzy looking clots.

He stared unbelieving.

It was the end of the second week in December and much of the country had been hit by an early cold snap. Most of it was north but naturally in the mile high city…

He shouldn't have been surprised. He was fairly certain that fate was currently laughing its ass off at him.

Reluctantly he made his way to one of the many screens announcing flight departures, delays and cancellations. His eyes scanned the information before he allowed himself a profoundly deep sigh. At the moment everything was delayed. Glancing over his shoulder, he peered out the window again. No change. There was little doubt in his mind that he was going to be stuck for a while. The monitor just hadn't made it official yet.

_**(BREAK)**_

Gillian sat in his driveway looking toward the house.

She'd offered to stop by and check on it, primarily to make sure all the utilities had been turned back on as instructed. But now she felt a little reluctant to head inside. The last time she'd been here she'd left blinded by tears.

But that was then. This was now.

They'd spoken several times in the last couple of weeks and although it was getting better, there still was a barrier. It was silent and invisible but there. There were times when they'd find themselves suddenly without words and in those moments, she desperately wanted to know what he was thinking, but Cal, being Cal, didn't share. She knew he was wary but at the same time, he was trying not to be. Gillian took what she could from his voice, which sometimes held quite a lot and other times, nothing at all. He was purposely being an enigma and it was frustrating as hell. Not that she could blame him. Not really.

Pulling the door handle, she pushed out into the crisp air, instantly wishing she'd worn a pantsuit today. A chilly wind licked at her hose lined legs and threatened to sift its way up her skirt. With a shiver, she locked the car and walked up the path to the front door before letting herself in.

With the exception of dust and a lower than normal temperature, nothing had changed. She immediately went to turn on the heat, relieved when it whirred to life. At least she didn't have to call the power company for him. Turning, he eyes fell to the coffee table by the couch.

A glass and an empty bottle still stood where they did three months ago. Since that night.

Closing her eyes, memories made a wicked assault. The anger from both of them. His darkness. The kiss. Her unintentional rejection. And then both of their agony.

_Enough already. _This wasn't doing her any good. He was on his way home and she had every hope that they could get beyond everything. It wasn't going to be easy. No doubt there. But they were both willing to try. Love was only part of the equation, true. But it was a _huge_ part.

With a sigh, she went about cleaning up which was always a good way to keep unwelcome errant thoughts in check.

Her phone went off just moments after she'd replaced several now clean dishes into the cabinet. Gillian crossed the living room quickly and grabbed the cell. She didn't recognize the number but picked up, cutting off the Elvis Costello ring tone right in the middle.

Initially no one responded to her greeting but a moment later, Cal's voice broke through. "Hey luv."

"Hi. What's going on?" Her voice went up a degree in her nervousness. He seemed to be affecting her like that a lot lately. Almost like a first crush. Silly and a little stupid.

"Um, have you checked the telly?"

"No, I was just…actually I'm at your place."

Silence for a moment. "Are you snooping?" His teasing tone instantly relaxed her. Almost like how it used to be.

"Of course not! I said I'd come by and make sure everything was on."

"Right. Good thing then. Just wanted to say if you found the shoebox in the back of my closet, well, those aren't mine."

She felt her jaw sag open but only for a moment. "Are you flirting with me?"

"If it's okay."

More than okay. She suddenly felt a tiny bit flustered as her face reddened.

"You're blushing aren't you?" She could _hear_ his grin and wanted to be annoyed but couldn't.

"Cal! Is there a reason for this call or are you just hogging phone lines?"

"Actually, yeah. If you would pop on the news, you'd see that Denver is currently being inundated with a shit load of snow and well, _I'm_ in Denver."

"Oh no!" Gillian fumbled for the remote to turn on the TV, hoping that the cable was on. It was and yes, big stories about the early white winter hitting big chunks of the country. "Do you at least have a hotel room?"

Cal chuckled but she couldn't detect any humor in it. "Well, lucky me. All the local places are booked. Couldn't even snag a room at Motel 6. Looks like I'm in for some wonderful airport hospitality."

"That's awful." She folded herself onto his couch, looking at the white out on television and listening to the weather forecast.

"They say it may blow over by tomorrow but if not, well, you might want to be a little concerned if you start getting texts that say 'All work and no play makes Cal a dull boy.'"

She smiled. "Well, when you get home we'll just have to make sure you don't get bored." Gillian suddenly cringed, wishing she could bite back the words.

He must have been in a magnanimous mood and didn't actively pursue the comment, other than to quip: "Promises, promises."

_**(BREAK)**_

36 hours. He'd been stuck in Denver for a day and a half. She supposed that it could have been worse. Cal probably wouldn't share the sentiment though. Sleeping on airport chairs can really do a number on your back.

Now there was such a crowd swarming toward her that she was afraid that she'd miss him. Unconsciously she craned her neck, eyes searching carefully, occasionally reminding herself to breath.

Then she saw his black coat and forgot to breath once again as another attack of the nerves rushed through her body. Lost him briefly. So many damned people. And there he was again. She wasn't even sure if he saw her. Probably not. His expression was tense, guarded and lined with fatigue. His clothes were more rumpled than usual and he was sporting a week's growth of beard.

Gillian started to open her mouth to call to him at the same time he turned and looked directly at her. She shut her mouth and just stood there, feeling shaky and nervous but so happy to see him. Her feet refused to move forward though.

Cal stopped and stared at her, oblivious to the people dodging around him, oblivious to the dirty looks he received. He didn't smile. Just continued to stare at her in that intense way of his, very much like he did when he'd learned that she'd lied to him at the Pentagon.

With some effort, she took one small step forward on trembling legs, her hand reaching out to him, a tiny smile playing on her lips even through her fear. He had to see her making the effort even as hard as it was.

That was all it took. He was quickly striding toward her, easily avoiding the crowd, the intensity melting away, leaving his face vulnerable.

He stopped just a few feet away. "Hey darlin'." The greeting was soft.

"Hi Cal."

His heart was thundering painfully. She looked so lovely but he could see the sadness seeping around the edges. Gillian had had plenty of her own personal turmoil over the last few months. The effects were evident and he was immediately sorry. Sorry for everything.

She was the one to take the last few steps into his arms, feeling his strength as he easily embraced her. Tucking her face in the crook between his neck and shoulder, she inhaled deeply, faintly smelling soap but wanting to smell his skin. That's when the tears started to silently fall. She felt his arms tighten around her, one hand gently cradled the back of her head, while the other rubbed her back as he rocked her tenderly.

Swarms of people parted around them, some annoyed, some smiling but neither noticed. The world had ceased to be so large. It was now just the two of them.

Gillian's eyes slid shut as she grabbed onto his coat, bunching it in her fists. Cal leaned his cheek against her hair, smelling her fragrance, his own eyes closing so he could concentrate on how it felt to hold her. They'd shared hugs before, which were always nice, but this one was different. This one teetered on emotional intensity that was no longer a lie between them.

The strong current of people around them had finally ebbed to a trickle when they finally pulled away from one another. Cal touched her face very lightly, fingers wiping away tears. His gaze was soft and she knew he wanted to kiss her. Gillian wanted him to but wasn't surprised when he didn't. She knew why and understood despite the sting. He pressed his lips against her temple instead.

"Think I'm done with the inside of airports for a bit." He turned but one hand stayed at her back. "Let's get the hell outta here."

* * *

><p><strong><em>Thought about torturing you a little longer but decided against it. ;-)<em>**


	13. Chapter 13

The ride to his house was almost completely silent and not exactly a comfortable one. Of course he was tired, that went without saying but she had the feeling they were picking up where they left off and not in a good way. For the most part he just stared out the window, his body tense, coiled.

Gillian desperately wondered what he was thinking, panicked at the thought of him backpedaling. She'd finally opened her eyes to everything. She loved him. Was_ in_ _love _with him but of course he wasn't an easy person to love. This might be him acknowledging that or perhaps demonstrating it.

She guided the car into his driveway and he sat for a moment, blinking up at his home before launching himself out to grab his bags from the trunk. He was half way up the path when he stopped and slowly turned.

Gillian stood uncertainly. She honestly couldn't tell if he wanted her to come in or if he preferred she leave.

Cal's expression didn't help matters either. It was completely blank, almost like he wasn't sure himself.

They watched one another for several moments.

"A bit awkward, yeah?" His voice was low but it carried in the cold, evening air.

"Maybe a little."

He gave a little nod, stared down at the ground for what seemed a long while before leaving his luggage and striding toward her with his hand outstretched. "Cal Lightman. How d'ya do?"

Gillian gaped at him.

Giving a little nod, he quirked an eyebrow. He was _serious_.

Deciding to roll with it, she took his hand. Despite the falling temperature it was warm and dry. "Gillian Foster."

"Nice to meet you Gill. Couldn't help but notice ya standin' in my driveway lookin' all forlorn and such. Thought maybe you'd like to come in for a drink. Stuff left in the fridge probably crawled out and went into hidin', but I'm sure I can find my comprehensive list of take away places…if you're interested 'course." His eyes began to smile as he teased.

_Wow. Mr. Hot and Cold_. She'd never thought of him as particularly bi-polar before. Much better this way though. "I don't usually go home with a guy when I first meet him."

"Fair point. Completely understandable. I will admit that I tend to be a bit nuts, but I'm pretty harmless for the most part. On occasion I can even pass myself off as a gentleman."

"Hmmm…well I'll admit I _am_ intrigued. What else can you tell me about yourself?"

"Well, I have a kid that actually likes me even when she points out what a plonker I am. Which I am, a lot, I have to warn you. Although I sometimes try not to be. Unfortunately it's an uphill battle. I can spot lies of all makes and models which probably contributes to the nutty part. I have a partner who is this amazing, beautiful human being who puts up with a shitload of my idiosyncrasies and probably walks the tightrope between loving me and hating me."

"She must be quite something."

"Oh she is. She definitely is." He squeezed her hand gently. They hadn't let go. "Did I mention that I have a weakness for blue-eyed brunettes?"

"No, actually you didn't. Had the impression that you have a weakness for anything female."

His eyes narrowed. "Have we met before?"

"Maybe once or twice."

"Huh. First impressions and all that?"

"Maybe. Um, Mr. Lightman? That was your name right?"

"Doctor, actually, but I'm not a snob or anythin'."

"Ok. _Dr_. Lightman?"

"Yeah luv?"

"It's getting damned cold."

"God I'm a lousy host. I apologize profusely." He dropped her hand and waved her in front before grabbing his bags. "Let's get inside. I understand my beautiful amazing partner dropped by earlier. She may have even turned on the heat."

"Wow. Some partner. She even does house calls."

"Only when I ask really nicely." He stepped up next to her on the stoop and unlocked the door. "Make yourself at home."

"Thank you." Gillian stepped inside, before turning to hold the door while he brought his luggage inside and closing it behind him.

Cal stood and just looked around. The physical and emotional warmth of his home wrapped around him like an embrace. Not as good as the hug Gillian and he had shared at the airport, but nice nonetheless. His eyes fell to the coffee table. Had he left the glass and bottle there? He honestly couldn't remember.

"Nice place Dr. Lightman." She wandered as if for the first time before turning and giving him a smile that made him feel weak.

"Thanks darlin'. Think my partner may have even cleaned up a bit. Don't think I deserve that one."

"Sounds like you need to relax a bit." She kicked off her heels and sunk into his comfy couch, legs pulled up underneath as usual.

"Hard to."

"So it seems." She leaned forward ever so slightly to catch his eye. "I think your partner just cares very much for you."

"You think so? Hard to tell sometimes." Cal faltered. "I mean, it's hard to tell anythin' when my head's up my arse."

"Always good to pull it out and take a look around occasionally."

"Ah, words of wisdom."

"I have my moments."

He'd stepped closer but hadn't sat down. "More than just moments."

"I wish that were the truth." Gillian chewed on her lower lip before dropping her gaze to her hands. "If I could actually see clearly, I wouldn't have been so damned blind."

"That's one hell of a metaphor."

"Thanks. I can even use irony properly." She smiled up at him quickly but her eyes were a little too bright once again.

They were both silent as the playful banter dissipated and the heart of everything opened up. Cal moved toward her and lowered himself onto the couch. But not too close.

The quiet room was only split by the ticking of the mantle clock and the heater as it fought the chill that attempted to press in. Even the outside traffic had ceased. Everyone was warm and snug inside.

"I missed you." Gillian's voice was a whisper.

His eyes dropped. "Thought that I'd fucked everythin' up. I mean, _everythin'_."

"No." She shook her head. "I should have seen it. I mean, it's been a long time coming right? But I just wasn't looking. I guess I just figured that it wasn't supposed to be, so it wouldn't."

"Why would you think that?"

"Cal, you're my very best friend and I didn't want to lose that."

"I'm not worth taking a chance." It wasn't a question as he slumped deeper into the leather.

"Don't you do that!" She was suddenly angry with him for his self-deprecation and frustrated at herself for her inability to articulate. "It has nothing to do with whether you're worthy or not. It has everything to do with the fact that my mindset clouded my view of you, of us."

His eyes made their way back up to her face again. "I didn't make it easy for you. Hard for me to just…come right out and say it."

Interestingly enough, neither one of them had actually _said_ the words. They'd both been dancing around them, toeing them, stepping over them but the fear was crippling. Love was inferred but had not yet been vocalized. Both were painfully aware of that fact.

"That's _you_ though, isn't it Cal? You communicate by action and drama. Words are secondary."

Sighing, he rubbed a hand over his weary face. "I suppose that would be true." The hand fell away. "What's your excuse then?"

That was a very good question. What was her excuse? Afloat in the river of denial without a paddle she supposed. Not a very good answer though. "Fear. I've been hurt too many times and lets face it, you do have a bit of a reputation."

Thinking about it, his mouth made a single line. "I guess I had that coming. But if you took notice, I haven't had a single long term relationship since Zoë."

"Was that by choice?"

"Yeah. Huge difference between sex and love."

"So you haven't loved anyone since Zoe?"

"No. Have you since Alec?"

Fair question. "I thought I loved Dave."

"Did you?"

_At the time she would have said yes, but in retrospect it wasn't that easy. She'd_ _cared about him. A lot. But had she been in love with him?_ "I don't think so."

"Seems like we've both been in a kind of holding pattern since our divorces. Why do you think that is?" Cal was now looking at her keenly. A genuine curiosity also cavorted in his features.

_It was so obvious now. They were both just waiting to become conscious of it. He just happened to be the one to wake up first._ She thought about the last few agonizing months. Blind seemed to be too mild a word for it.

"I suppose we're both just slow learners…or heavy sleepers."

He smiled but there was a touch of sadness in it. "For supposedly smart people, it's depressing that we've taken almost a decade to get to this point."

_That was true. So much wasted time._ "Well, now that we're both on the same page, I think, maybe we could see what's in the next chapter together."

Cal stared at her, the sad smile falling away to be replaced by one that was fueled by pure astonishment. "That is _really_ cheesy."

She grinned back with a tiny sniffle. "You think so? I'd practiced it you know."

"Think it needs work."

"Last time I try some of my prose out on you."

"Is that a promise?"

"Yes."

"Good." Once again he looked like he wanted to lean forward and kiss her. And once again he didn't. Instead he leapt off the couch, probably blasting away the last few remnants of his energy. "Ready to order some food? Starvin' to death here." He headed toward the kitchen and his infamous drawer of menus while she watched after him.

"Yeah, actually that would be good."

"Any requests?"

"I'm open."

"Chinese it is then!" He came back, menu in hand, carefully scrutinizing.

_**(BREAK)**_

After eating they still didn't mention the elephant in the room. Instead Gillian selected a classic movie for them to relax in front of. One that they both agreed on and hadn't seen for years.

During dinner they'd started to close the physical gap and now as they watched the old black and white film, she leaned her head on his shoulder as she curled up next to him. His legs were stretched out on the coffee table, ankles casually crossed, one arm on the couch behind her, cheek against her head.

Barely a third through the movie, she noticed the slowing of his breathing and his stillness. His exhaustion had finally caught up with him.

She watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and the peace that shed several years off his face. With only the slightest bit of hesitation, she leaned forward and lightly brushed his lips with her own. Deeply asleep, Cal didn't stir.

"I do love you and I'll see you later." She rose, covered him with the throw from the back of the couch before turning off the movie.

Scribbling a note, she left it on the coffee table before bundling her coat around her and heading out into the cold.


	14. Chapter 14

Cal awoke to weak morning light sifting in through his blinds.

He quickly looked to his right. As before, she was gone. The warmth that had been at his side was now cold. A dream. Very much like another that flickered just beyond his consciousness. The despair was acute, agonizing. His chest and stomach burned painfully. _Why did he need this woman so much?_

_Wait a minute_. Sitting up, he glanced around, the blanket falling away. Sparse white walls had been replaced by warm wood, leather furniture, art and books. He _really_ was home. Peeking into the kitchen, he could see the remnants of take out on the island. _Enough food for two._

Breath gushed out of him as he rubbed both hands over his face. She _had_ been here. They'd spent most of the evening talking before starting to watch a movie. He didn't remember finishing it. He _did_ remember her resting her head against his shoulder though. That had been nice. Promising. They weren't there but it seemed like they might actually be heading in the right direction.

His eyes fell to a note at the edge of the coffee table. He'd almost knocked it down when he'd pulled his feet off but he could now see Gillian's distinctly feminine cursive.

_How about dinner at my place tonight? 7:00? I'll even cook._

_ Sorry about slipping out. Didn't want to awaken you. _

_G_

Smiling, he reread it, just to be sure.

Lots to do before tonight. Antacid. Breakfast (maybe). Tea (certainly). Papers to finish reading. Grades to post. Daughter to call. Fridge to restock. At least this way he shouldn't have time to think about the nerves that had once again settled in his belly.

_**(BREAK)**_

"So you guys are talking again." Emily barely hid her excitement on the other end.

"A little."

"That is such awesome news dad!"

"Probably better not to get your hopes up though. Things are still…a little tense."

"Did you call her or did she call you?"

"You sure are nosy."

"Of course. I'm my father's daughter."

Cal grunted, barely suppressing a smile. "Actually she called me…after all the news coverage at the school. Guess she was pretty upset."

"That's good though, right? I mean the fact that she called you?"

"I'd like to think so."

"That whole incident was pretty scary. I can only imagine what she was thinking. Probably along the same lines as what I was thinking." Her voice softened and became a tiny bit distant. "It's amazing. For years all I wanted was for you just to settle down and teach."

"Really?" Cal wrinkled his nose.

She continued as if he hadn't spoken. "And then you actually give it a go and still get into trouble."

"What can I say? It's a talent. Enough of this rubbish already. When are you heading home?"

"Was that a deflection?"

"It was an 'I don't want to talk about L.A. any longer' shift of conversation. Besides I need to finish up a few things…"

"Before your date?"

"Um. I guess you could call it that."

"Okay dad." She smiled into the phone. "I'll let you off the hook but I expect a full report."

"Yeah, yeah."

She gave him her flight information, told him she loved him and was gone. Emily had her own life now and sometimes it was difficult for him to admit it. She was still his little girl as far as he was concerned.

There was still plenty of time to grab a shower and a shave.

He took a couple more Tums before heading upstairs.

_**(BREAK)**_

Gillian pulled the door open to find him standing there smiling somewhat tentatively. He held a bottle of merlot in one hand.

Her heart immediately began to race but she covered it with what was hopefully a relaxed grin. Unfortunately she could feel the sudden pinkening of her cheeks and inwardly cursed her fair complexion. "You're early."

The blush was adorable but he chose not to corner her on it. Instead, his eyes dropped to his watch. "Sorry 'bout that. Clocks must be fast." It was just a little lie but she saw it anyway. "Want me to, uh, go away and come back?" He jerked a thumb over his shoulder and started to take a step backward.

"Oh no you don't!" Gillian caught him by the arm and pulled him toward her. "You've been away long enough!"

Cal almost stumbled into her but caught himself. He looked down at her slender hand where she still clutched him. "All that exercise payin' off I see. Gonna have to watch myself. Don't wanna get an arse kickin'." They stood barely a foot apart.

"Well don't do anything that would merit it."

He kind of hoped he would. She was probably quite limber. _God, he was such a_ _dog._ It really was amazing that she had feelings for him.

They stared at one another, breath a little rushed. He sometimes forgot that she was actually a few inches shorter than he was when she wasn't wearing heels. He liked it and wanted to pull her small form into a crushing embrace.

Instead he sidestepped into her entry. "Bloody cold luv."

"Not as bad as Denver though." She stepped past him to go into the kitchen. "Since you're here early, feel like doing some chopping?"

"Oi! Putting the guest to work are you?"

"Of course. There's a lot more satisfaction in eating food that you've helped prepare." Gillian adjusted one of the burners on the stove before crossing to the fridge to pull out salad items.

"Bet that's what you tell all the guys."

"Usually." Her smile was slightly coy and he felt warmth weed its way through him.

He cleared his throat. " Okay, what do you need from me?"

"That, Cal, is a loaded question."

"Alright. Let me rephrase. What dinner preparations can I safely undertake as your sous chef?"

_**(BREAK)**_

Cal was impressed.

Gillian had slow cooked a marinated roast most of the day and the result was meat so tender it practically melted in your mouth. That, combined with cheddar garlic smashed potatoes and salad with Jalapeno honey mustard dressing made him want to move in and marry her right on the spot.

She was smiling at him as she took a sip of wine. "I am very glad you enjoyed."

"There are no words. You keep this up and you may not get rid of me."

_That was kind of the point_. The words remained unspoken as she stood, glass in hand and moved toward the living room. "Now, I'd like to know all about your experiment in teaching."

Grimacing, he followed. "iPhones and pimples luv."

"Couldn't be that bad."

"It was actually worse." He dropped himself next to her, leaving a little space.

Raising her brows, her lips twisted to the side. The question on her face was obvious.

"Okay, it wasn't _that_ bad. Has its merits. But as much as Emily would like to see me continue in that capacity, it's just…"

"Doesn't give you the thrill of facing off with someone in the cube." Her tone was strangely careful. She didn't want to give the impression that she was judging.

Cal went quiet for several moments. "I guess there it is."

"You never told me what happened when the campus went on lockdown."

He sighed, not really wanting to go into it but knowing that she would just bring it up at a later time. "Basically a family drama. Which I kind of got caught in. Worked out the best way it could though."

"That's rather cryptic."

With a shrug he finished his glass of wine before reaching to place it on her coffee table. The glass didn't quite make it, falling from his suddenly lax fingers.

Gillian watched, horrified, as the blood ran from his face.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Okay, y'all want some drama? If so, do you want major drama or minor drama? Or should I forget it and go all 'Happily Ever After' already? Let me know! Your thoughts will dictate where I go next. ;-)<strong>_


	15. Chapter 15

**_Okay, consensus ruled with more drama…apologies to those who requested otherwise. Let's keep the story going a little bit longer though shall we… ;-)_**

* * *

><p>The burning in his chest and gut had graduated to a squeezing pressure. Taking some Tums or swigging Maalox most likely wasn't going to help now. He leaned back, closed his eyes tightly and opened them quickly after thinking that that may not be such a good idea. He really wasn't feeling well. In fact he was feeling like shit. Fear glazed over him as he read into the symptoms and his intellect kicked in.<p>

"Cal! What's wrong?" Gillian sat up, eyes wide.

He turned very slowly to look at her. Sweat was beading on his forehead, his breathing a little forced. "I…" Leaning forward, he pulled his shoulders together slightly as his right hand squeezed his left arm. His eyes rolled up to hers, his voice soft. "Gillian, please call 911."

She was on her feet instantly, moving to grab her phone from her purse. Hitting the numbers shakily with her thumb, she crossed to the door to unlock it before turning back to face him. Her eyes remained on him as she waited for the call to be picked up, face frightened but controlled.

Sitting down next to him, she rested one hand on his arm, rubbing gently.

The dispatcher picked up and was rapid fire with his questions but Gillian still felt underwater, slow moving and there seemed that there was no way the paramedics could get there fast enough. Time had begun to just creep by.

"_Is he conscious_?"

Cal's lids kept dipping but his eyes were very aware even as his complexion was becoming waxen.

"Yes."

"_Very good. Keep him upright in a sitting position._ _If he loses consciousness, do you know CPR_?"

"Yes." She'd just become re-certified a few months prior but the question still threw her. CPR was one of those things you never honestly thought you would use. Much less on someone you loved.

"_Ambulance is on its way. Should be there momentarily. Is the front door unlocked?"_

"Yes." Her answers were becoming robotic. She needed to stay focused. Losing it wouldn't help Cal.

Gillian disconnected a moment later. "They're on their way."

He gave a barely perceptible nod. "Maybe it's just bad indigestion." Even as he said it he suspected it wasn't true.

"Probably." Her smile was meant to sell reassurance she didn't feel. She hoped he didn't notice, even if it was unlikely. He didn't look very good but he was awake. _That had to be a good thing, right?_

They'd asked his age of course. She never really thought about him being close to 50. He was nine years her senior but it never entered into the equation. He didn't seem 48, certainly didn't act it most of the time. Now as she looked at him, he seemed much more frail. Which was ridiculous. 48 was _not_ old by any stretch of the imagination. But then again, it wasn't young either. _Okay now, stop it!_

"What are you thinking?" His voice was weak and a little breathless.

"That you really know how to screw up an evening." Her tone teased but he could see her fear.

"Glad that I didn't disappoint." Cal smiled at her wanly.

Taking his hand, she didn't react to the cold, clammy feeling. She gave it a squeeze. "It's that constant yearning for excitement. You just can't help yourself."

"This is a bit more excitement than I need right now."

"That makes two of us."

His eyes dipped again. They weren't as fast to open this time. _Where the hell was that ambulance?_

"Cal?"

"Hmmm?"

"Open your eyes. Look at me." It was a demand.

"Bossy." He cracked them open and they locked on hers.

A loud knocking signaled the arrival of the EMTs. She moved to get up but his hand was surprisingly firm in hers. He wouldn't let go.

"It's okay Cal. It's going to be fine." Gillian was impressed with how strong she sounded. She wished that she felt as strong. She gently tried to pull her fingers from his grasp once again and suddenly it was easy. Looking at him quickly, she found his eyes closed once again.

"Cal!" She darted a glance at the door. "We're in here! Please hurry!"

Two uniforms quickly moved through the door, gurney in tow.

Once again the rapid-fire questions filled the air while they hovered over Cal, checking his vitals, reacting quickly. He was now unresponsive and they proceeded accordingly while Gillian stood by helplessly, fighting tears and unsure what to do.

She watched as they lifted him onto the gurney, fitted an oxygen mask over him, administered medication intravenously and proceeded to push him from her living room into the cold late autumn air.

Gillian grabbed her coat and purse before following closely behind.

(BREAK)

Once again, she sat in the hospital waiting room with tears that kept flowing and drying and really bad coffee. No one had told her anything as of yet.

Cal had awakened in the ambulance and had remained conscious while they pushed him through the ER doors. She hoped to take that as a good sign. He'd even given her a tiny wink. But then Cal, being Cal, would do his best to protect her. He wasn't one to easily say ouch. The fact that he'd requested her to call 911 had been monumental.

_For supposedly smart people, it's depressing that we've taken almost a decade to get to this point. _His words now echoed within her. All that wasted time. _What if…? _She yanked herself away from that line of thought. _No. She wasn't going to go there. _Cal was an amazingly strong person. He always had been and that wasn't about to change. _What if…?_ _God damnit, stop it!_

Gillian stood and paced the room, suddenly unable to sit still. It was exactly how he would react if the roles were reversed.

Emily. She should call Emily. But tell her what? She didn't know anything. The girl had a right to know but there wasn't any information. Maybe it would be better to wait. Hell, it would be better if Cal called himself. That would be best.

"Dr. Foster?"

She turned quickly toward the voice that broke through the silence.


	16. Chapter 16

He'd lost some time there. Somewhere between Gill's sofa and the ambulance. He hated that. The feeling of vulnerability rankled him, reminded him that he wasn't in charge as much as he liked to think. And then it happened again. They'd pushed him through those swinging emergency room doors and he missed something. He watched as Gillian's worried face gradually became smaller, turned into a pinprick then faded out. That was even worse. That time loss hurt even more. Maybe it was her expression. Maybe it was the horrible feeling that he might not see her again. Probably both.

The pressure had been bad. Made him weak and nauseous. He couldn't catch his breath. The oxygen wouldn't pull in past the pain in his chest and he would have panicked if he could have. But he didn't. Not really. He didn't have the energy.

So much poking and prodding. It was pissing him off. He would have told them all to go fuck themselves if he could have, but he was too tired. They probably wouldn't have listened. Hospital folks tended to be like that. He knew they were just doing their jobs but he didn't have to like it. Didn't have to make it easy for them and normally he wouldn't have. He liked to be cantankerous. It was part of his nature. But this time he just laid there like a lump and let them do whatever.

_**(BREAK)**_

"Dr. Hatare." The older woman held a hand out to Gillian who took it briefly. She was roughly in her later fifties with piercing green eyes below short hair that was allowed to gray naturally. Her smile was warm, reassuring.

Gillian didn't quite feel reassured though. There was caution lurking behind those eyes. "How is he?"

"Dr. Lightman did suffer a myocardial infarction but is currently stable."

"Heart attack." Gillian suddenly felt cold.

"Yes." The doctor nodded. "He's been responding well to a course of thrombolytics, which is an excellent sign. It's fortunate that he arrived here so quickly. Any damage to his heart was kept to a minimum because of it."

Gillian felt numb. _Heart attack_. It was surreal. "So, he's going to be…alright?"

"Well, to be honest, there really isn't any such thing as a mild heart attack but that being said, he was quite lucky. I _do_ want to keep him on blood thinners and watch him for a couple of days just to make sure though."

"Can I see him?"

"Of course."

The older woman guided her through the double doors, down a carpeted hallway before turning left at the nurse's station and stopping outside the first room on the right.

"He's been given some pain medication so he might be a bit groggy." With that, she gave a little knock and pushed into the room.

"Hello Dr. Lightman. How are you feeling?" Dr. Hatare approached the bed, automatically checking all his vitals.

"Brilliant." Cal's voice was low and gravelly. Didn't seem groggy. He glowered at the doctor for a moment before his eyes shifted and landed on Gillian. The glower fell away.

"Alright Dr. Lightman, I'll be back later in the morning. Any problems, buzz Julie. She's your nurse for the rest of the night. Rest up and be good." The woman gave his leg a pat, nodded to Gill and disappeared.

"Hi Cal. How're you doing?" She stepped closer to him, reached out and gently stroked his shoulder.

He was propped up, monitors were hooked up to wires running under his gown and connecting with numerous points on his chest. An oxygen sensor was clamped on his finger and they were running IV fluids into him. Despite being surrounded by hospital equipment, he did look much better. His color wasn't quite back but it was getting there and his usual annoyed demeanor was peeking through. Gillian was happy to see it.

"Hey darlin'." His eyes slowly perused her face. "You okay?"

"_You're_ asking _me_ if I'm okay?" She blinked back tears before pulling up a chair and shakily lowering herself into it. "You have a heart attack in my living room and you ask me if _I'm_ okay?"

"But it was only a little one." He allowed a tiny sideways smile.

She really wanted to kiss him or hit him. She hadn't decided on which yet so she did neither and refused to return his smile. "You scared the hell out of me." There wasn't a lot of strength in her voice.

"I'm sorry luv. I assure you that it wasn't intentional." He was watching her carefully before reaching out and trailing his fingers down her cheek. "If we wanted to go slow, I'd say that this cements it."

Her hand found her cheek and sandwiched his fingers against her skin before turning her lips inward and gently kissing them. "Not exactly how I pictured things."

Cal stared at her just a moment before a tiny smirk played with the corner of his mouth. "And how did you picture things?"

Turning away, she released his hand as she stared out the window for several moments, biting her lip.

Studying her profile, his smirk bled away and he immediately felt like shit when he saw her tears overflow. He understood her tears though, understood how badly things could have gone. If he'd been alone…would he have had the presence of mind to get to his phone? Or would he played it off like he'd been doing the last couple of days? Take some antacids, lay down…and possible never wake up again? All the frustration, all the anger, all those raw feelings, the agonizing separation…and then a possible fresh start almost fucked up by him. He bowed his head slightly, looking down at his hands, overwhelmed by the emotion welling within him. "I'm sorry Gill." _Was that choked and gargled thing really his voice?_

Her head swiveled toward him, expression incredulous. "This isn't your fault. Why are you apologizing?" Unconsciously, she once again reached for his hand and pressed it against her chest. Cal felt one of her tears fall against his skin and watched as it ran down into the webbing between his thumb and forefinger.

He honestly didn't have an answer for her. _Was it his fault_? He could be in better health but he wasn't _that_ out of shape _was he_? _Alcohol. A little but he was hardly an alcoholic. _Stress. _Well there _was_ that. The fact was, he was a man approaching 50 and shit happens. _He felt a squeeze of his fingers and managed to bring his eyes up to meet hers before giving a little head shake. "Dunno."

Gillian saw tears in his eyes, fully aware that they wouldn't fall. She'd never seen him cry the entire time she'd known him and wondered if he were capable. Emotions, yes. Intense feelings that ripped away at his soul and spirit, but the simple act of crying wasn't something he seemed quite capable of. Her heart ached for him as she leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his hairline.

They were silent as she continued to hold his hand.


	17. Chapter 17

Her breath plumed around her as she stood on the front stoop and rang the buzzer. The temperatures had dropped into the upper 20s and they were calling for snow in the D.C. area. Just in time for the holidays.

Cal had been released from the hospital late last week and she had given him the space that she knew he needed. He had a lot of pride and as much as she wanted to be there to take care of him, she knew if would be the wrong call. He'd been badly shaken but coddling him would only build resentment. So she'd backed off. _Not that they hadn't spoken_. They actually spoke everyday, their conversations incrementally going back to the way they used to be, the way they were before he'd pulled away in silence and had become a stranger. It was slow going but it was progress. Cal had even taken to giving her a quick call every evening just to say goodnight. She always looked forward to them.

And then last night when he'd called, he had invited her over. This time he was the one doing the cooking.

Stamping her feet as the cold started to seep in, she hit the buzzer again, a frown of worry starting to form in her brow. For a moment, she debated about using her key.

The door suddenly pulled open, bathing her in warm light. He was slightly backlit as she looked up at him.

"Hey darlin'."

"Hi Cal."

He immediately moved to the side to allow her entrance before firmly closing and locking the door behind her. "Brisk, eh?"

"Just a little." She shrugged out of her heavy coat as he took it and hung it on the wall coat rack. "Emily home?"

"Yeah actually. Got home the other night. Upstairs on the phone, I think. Probably be down shortly to inform us that she'll be going out for the night." He smiled and it was beautiful. She almost lost herself in it for a moment. His color was back and there was that usual glimmer in his eye that made her wonder what dirty little avenue his mind had taken. God she'd missed him.

Her face was still pink from the cold but her blue eyes were lively as she watched him. All he wanted was to take her into his arms to warm her, to tell her how much he'd missed her, to thank her for everything but he was a little afraid. They'd barely had time to talk before his latest crisis and since then conversation still tended to skirt around the real issue. He continued to stare at her and she brazenly returned it.

_Why was this so awkward? It shouldn't be like this. _His eyes had darkened, become more intense as he studied her. She couldn't help but wonder what he was looking for. Some sign that she wasn't giving him maybe?

_Screw it._ She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him.

There was one moment of surprise before he returned the hug, sighing contently as his hand moved to stroke her hair. "I've missed you Gill."

"I've missed you too. I can't tell you how glad I am that you're okay." Her voice was barely a whisper against his neck.

He dipped his cheek against hers as his eyes slid shut and his arms tightened around her. There was a peace in her embrace that seemed to be lacking within him.

Gillian was surprised to feel that his cheek was clean-shaven, so soft and smooth. She couldn't resist brushing her lips lightly against his skin, inhaling the crisp scent of his aftershave and closing her eyes for just a moment before quickly opening them at the sudden tension in his body. His eyes were still dark as she met them but they'd shifted into an almost primal need, tempered with a tenderness that she didn't recall ever seeing before. Both his hands moved to cradle her face gently, oh so gently. "Gillian." His voice seemed to caress her from somewhere deep inside. His thumbs rubbed lightly against her cheeks drawing gooseflesh along her face, neck and shoulders. She wanted to allow her eyes to close once again but she couldn't break the contact, feeling almost mesmerized by everything she saw. One hand left her face to move down her arm before she felt his fingers entwine in hers. She could feel the warmth of his breath as he moved ever so closer. And that's all she wanted right then and there. For him to be as close to her as possible, to be unsure of where she ended and he began. His lips found her brow, then each eyelid, the tip of her nose, then each cheekbone…

"Is Gillian here? I thought I heard…ohhhhh…God, I'm sorry." Emily spun away quickly, face burning. She knew that they had slowly started down this path together. She just wasn't prepared for the depth of love she saw on both their faces as she intruded on such an intimate moment. "Um, I'll just go upstairs. Just go ahead and forget I was here…"  
>"No Emily it's fine." Gillian stepped away from Cal, instantly missing the connection but not allowing the younger woman to see her disappointment. She stepped close and gave the girl a hug, hoping that she didn't look quite as flustered as she felt. "It's wonderful to see you again."<p>

"Same here. But I didn't mean to interrupt..."

"No, no. We were just, um… are you having dinner with us?" Gill actually hoped that she would. She'd missed chatting with Cal's daughter. It had been a very long time.

"Actually I was meeting some friends…but I'd love to catch up maybe tomorrow night, if you're around."

"I could probably arrange something." She smiled at the girl.

Cal didn't say anything. He watched them carefully, always pleased at their genuine affection before slipping away to the kitchen. He felt his heart trembling but it didn't seem to be in a bad way. Her scent was still in his nostrils. A light perfume, lotion, hair conditioner and underneath it all, the delightful smell of her skin. His body seemed to be trembling a little too. _God, the affect she had on him. Was she even aware_ _of all that power?_ He didn't think so.

"Dad, I'm heading over to Jackie's!" Emily appeared in the kitchen entrance, an honest smile around her mouth and eyes.

" 'Kay darlin. Be really careful. Damned cold out there."

She stepped closer, dropping a hand on his arm. "I will. If it starts to snow, I'll just stay over." There didn't seem to be an innuendo in there but he couldn't be completely sure. Besides, she knew damn well that he _had_ to be good. Doc's orders. At least for another couple of weeks.

He gave her a peck and a hug before she bundled up and headed out into the frigid air, waving back at both of them.

"She's grown up so much." Gillian watched as the door pulled shut, feeling a bit melancholy in the realization. Time was passing so fast.

"She has. Kind of scary how much." His voice also held a note of sadness. "Just teaching her to ride a bike yesterday it seems."

Gillian moved closer once again, feeling more emboldened. One hand looped around his waist as her head rested against his shoulder. "She's still so young Cal. Going to be a lot more firsts for her."

_Not as many as I would have hoped_. He kept that sardonic comment to himself though. She'd probably give him a swat. "Hungry luv?"

"Starving."

_**(BREAK)**_

Gillian was impressed. She knew that he was a good cook but the lighter fare he'd prepared tonight was amazing. Grilled Halibut with mango salsa and fresh veggies. He paired it with a sauvignon blanc that matched perfectly. She also took note that he only had one glass. He really was trying.

"Wanted to ask you somethin'." Cal had started to clear dishes and she instantly stood up to help.

"Oh?"

"Well, it's more of a favor really." He seemed to be having some kind of internal struggle and she stopped to look at him, curiosity piqued.

"Cal, what's going on?"

They'd finished clearing the table and he started to run water to rinse off their plates so he could load the dishwasher. "I've was talkin' to my doctor about…um…an exercise program. I get the green light next week, barring complications and was kind of hoping…" He trailed off, feeling stupid.

"You need an exercise buddy?"

He winced. "Yeah, I guess."

Amused, she turned to face him. "I take it pretty seriously Cal. I mean, it's part of my life. Part of who I am. Can you make that kind of commitment?"

She sobered and he looked a little startled. The double implication of that statement wasn't lost on either one of them. His expression suddenly shifted.

Turning off the water, he dried his hands on a towel and tossed it on the counter. "Dishes can wait." He stepped closer, eyes darkening in that way that made her forget to breath and took her hand. "Are we finally ready to talk?"

She didn't initially answer but allowed him to lead her into the living room to sit on his soft leather couch. They faced one another, both silent, just watching for several long minutes.

"Yeah. I am ready for that kind of commitment." His voice broke the stillness and she jumped slightly. "What happened last week scared the shit outta me. But to be honest it had nothing to do with me. It was all about you Gill, about Em. About never seeing you again. Or living long enough to see my daughter grown, married, with kids of her own." His eyes dropped for a moment before bouncing back. "I've lost so much time as it is. I don't want to lose any more."

Gillian hesitated for the briefest of moments before reaching out and lightly touching his smooth jaw. She gave a tiny nod in acknowledgement.


	18. Chapter 18

**_Wanted to thank you so much for your reviews and comments. You have no idea how much they're appreciated! Okay, maybe some of you do! ;-)_**

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><p>"Are you sure? It's a big commitment and you have to start slowly." Her fingers were soft against his face.<p>

"Very sure luv." The tenderness that she'd seen before was back within his eyes and her breath hitched at how deep it seemed to run. Cal leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to the corner of her mouth. "Means everythin'."

"Does it?" Her heart was stammering. "Are we even talking about the same thing?"

"I believe we are." Scooting closer, his fingers trailed through her hair before tucking it behind one ear. "Exercise, right?"

"Uh huh." The sound was a tiny little moan as he planted another kiss to her cheek, his fingers now lightly massaging the back of her neck.

"Slowly." Another tiny peck. "Then you can gain momentum…and keep it up." Another soft kiss to her neck. "Best way to get and stay…" A tiny scraping of his teeth against her flesh. "…healthy."

He pulled away slightly, scrutinizing her carefully and waited.

Warmth tingled through her, almost electric. This was what she wanted. Had for years even when she was too blind to see it. Him. Only him. Her fingers brushed through his hair before stroking the side of his face, watching his eyes close as she cupped his smooth cheek. _Would it be too frightening to say it aloud?_ Would it spook both of them or were they finally beyond that? Would it cement everything that she wanted, everything that she needed? "I love you Cal." Speaking it aloud to him, when he wasn't asleep, felt cleansing, her spirit suddenly seemed lighter.

His eyes flew open. His expression hinged on disbelief before melting into a profound emotional joy, something else she'd never seen in all the time she'd known him. The hand at the nape of her neck had stilled for a moment before gently pulling her toward him. "I'd hoped I'd hear those words. Not really sure I actually believed that I would though." Cal's voice was low, slightly hoarse.

"Good to know I can still surprise you." She whispered just an inch or two from his lips as her eyes filled.

The first kiss was short and chaste as they both trembled, emotions raw and exposed. "That you do darlin'. Always."

"Maybe if you'd used _your_ words." Gillian ran her lips down his jaw to his neck. She could feel his pulse quicken under her touch.

"Wouldn't have mattered. Don't think we were ready." Both hands found her face and stopped her gentle ministrations.

"Meaning _me_."

He just looked at her, eyes boring into hers blisteringly, seeming to want to catch a glimpse of her soul. She couldn't pull herself away from that searching look, that all or nothing look of his. And that's exactly what he wanted and this time, she was willing to give it to him. She wanted it just as much.

Without a word, he pulled her into a firm embrace, rubbing her back, inhaling the scent of her hair. Gillian melted into him, showing her trust, showing her love, reiterating that she meant what she said. He kissed the top of her head, his murmur barely reaching her ears. "Can't even tell you how much I love you Gill. I felt so damned incomplete these last few months. I thought it would be better being away." He pulled away to look into her face once again. "I was wrong." Without any more hesitation, he moved forward and took her lips in his. It was a soft, sweet exploration and she returned it, squeezing her eyes shut as a few tears escaped and ran down her cheeks. Their mouths soon opened against one another to invite a more intimate merging. His hands remained firm but gentle as he held her face while hers hooked around and grasped his shoulders, reveling in the solid feel of him. By unconscious mutual agreement, their bodies became almost flush, hearts racing, warmth surfacing against their skin. The kiss became more insistent as hands began to move and test one another. Cal brushed against the side of her breast, down her ribs before settling on her hip, lightly massaging, while she stroked down his bicep and ran nails across his chest.

The kiss only broke when they both needed to suck air into badly neglected lungs.

Leaning her forehead against his, her only response was a soft, "wow." She caught his eye once again, seeing the need, the desire and the love. Cal was an open book for her tonight and she felt a certain honor that he was allowing her completely inside.

"I love you Gill." He kissed her again sweetly as he repeated his sentiment. It was almost as if he were getting used to how the words felt in his mouth and he liked it. A lot. "_So much_." He kissed her yet again, prolonging it even as they gasped together.

Her body was burning up but she knew she had to be careful. It was too soon. If she allowed it to continue she was afraid that neither one of them would have the willpower to stop. And that could be dangerous.

Pulling away from his lips reluctantly she wrapped her arms around him and buried her face against his shoulder. "I'm so glad we're here, in this moment after everything."

His warm breath was against her ear. "That makes two of us darlin'." He pressed his lips against her hair, once again breathing in her fragrance. "You don't know how much I want you." His voice had dropped to a sultry accented whisper.

Oh, she knew all right. The evidence was pretty obvious and she felt herself blush more than she already was. "Just going to have to wait." She moved back slightly before giving his lips another peck with her own, which turned into another peck which turned into another warm and sensuous teasing of the tongue before she broke away. "Stop that."

His grin was huge. He knew she was having just as much of an inward battle as he was, the only difference being that she would win. And as a result, he would lose. _Damned doctor's orders_. The grin faded as the memory of his heart attack flooded through him. "I know. It's not forever. But the whole thing just seems so surreal. It could have gone…very badly."

"It didn't though. You're here. You're recovering. And you're taking steps to keep it from happening again." Alert to the shift, her blue eyes were suddenly firm as she tried to ward off any bit of self-pity on his part.

Slumping back into the sofa, he gave a weary nod.

"Exercise can be fun Cal."

"Uh huh."

"And there are _lots_ of different activities that count. Especially when you're nice and limber." One brow shot up as she leveled a long look at him.

He sat back upright, suddenly quite interested, head tilting as a smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth. "Maybe you could give me a preview. I mean, being really limber and all that."


	19. Chapter 19

_**Let the games begin… ;-) **_

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><p>He watched her closely all the while feeling his heart thumping a little too quickly. Hell, it wasn't the exercise that was going to do him in today. He approached the whole situation with a calm acceptance for which he was terribly proud of himself. What might do him in was watching Gillian stretch and go through her warm up. She was wearing yoga capris and an oversized t-shirt, which in itself was not terribly seductive. Cute yes. She was always cute, but seductive, no. Watching her go through her routine, well, now <em>that<em> was seductive. Of course she didn't mean it to be but seeing her stretch out her arms and bob forward at the waist followed by going spread eagle on the floor to bend side to side, hell, _that_ might be the end of him.

"Cal, um, you're supposed to be doing this too." She peeked up at him while she stretched out to the other side, stubby ponytail swishing.

"Darlin', I get down there like that and it's not likely I'm gonna be able to get back up."

She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Fine. Okay." He slowly followed her lead but kept the stretching a little more manly with some lunges and squats while she surreptitiously watched, amused.

Of course the plan was just to take everything slow. Because he didn't play well with others she was going to avoid any class type situations and keep him on the circuit, jogging path or pool.

"Ready?" She was up and lightly bouncing on her feet.

He nodded, staring at her in a way that made the blood rush to her cheeks. Gillian broke eye contact and he allowed a small smile. "Yeah luv."

They went through the circuit first which alternated between cardio and strength training. She stayed one station ahead but kept casting glances back to check on him. His face remained blank but more than once she saw him pause to check his pulse, making sure it stayed in the target range. It was never a bad idea to monitor your heart rate but Gillian felt a pang of sadness. Cal was worried and she was the only one in the room that knew it.

"Want to take a run?" If he took it easy, she knew he'd be fine.

He almost said no but in truth he wasn't feeling half bad. Maybe he wasn't in as bad of shape as he thought. "Sure, just don't leave me chokin' on your dust."

"I'll go slow, I promise." Gillian smiled, teasing. Her face was still slightly flushed, and a light sheen of perspiration coated her skin. God, she was hot. He had the sudden urge of push her up against the wall and run his lips across that luminous flesh. Instead, he waved her ahead. "Lead the way."

They set up an even pace on the indoor track and she was impressed with how well he was doing. He still periodically checked his pulse but oddly enough he seemed to actually be enjoying himself. She said as much.

Making a face, he shook his head. "You kids and your imagination."

They made only two laps before Gillian decided that it might be time to wind down. He looked good but she wanted to keep it that way. "I have to say I'm impressed Cal. I thought you'd be lagging behind more."

"Thanks. I think."

"I usually end with a couple of laps in the pool. You're more than welcome to join me but I understand if you want to wrap it up for today."

They had slowed to a walk to cool down. "Actually that'd feel really good." She had suggesting he bring his trunks just in case.

Her smile beamed at him. "I'll meet you down there."

Nodding, he watched her walk away, eyes accessing and always appreciating. _Wait a minute. Had he ever seen Gillian in a bathing suit? _

Cal stepped it up, heading to the men's locker room.

_**(BREAK)**_

Okay, maybe watching all that stretching wouldn't be the end of him. However, seeing her in her swim suit might be.

When he got down to the pool, she was already taking some laps. Her form was perfect as she effortlessly propelled herself through the water only to push herself off the side and swim back in the opposite direction. She stopped at his feet, blinking up at him.

"Hey." Gillian smiled, her eyes quickly perusing his upper body, noting his hairless lean chest, flat belly and thin line of hair leading down from his navel. He looked surprisingly good. Why was she surprised? Hadn't she always wondered what he looked like under all those dark clothes? Warmth glowed from deep within. _Stop that! _

"Hey." Cal squatted down before taking a seat and dangling his legs in the heated water. "Couldn't help but notice your fine form."

"Bet you say that to all the girls."

"Nah, not _all_ of them." He gave her a sideways smirk.

She lightly smacked his leg. "Coming in?"

"I'm gettin' there. It's cold."

"It's 82 degrees."

"Not a Jacuzzi."

"Not the artic either."

"Speaking of Jacuzzi, you want to hop in there afterward?" He wriggled his eyebrows.

"We'll see. Now get your butt in here."

Without another word, he easily slid into the water and landed within inches of her. Her hair was pushed straight back as droplets of moisture clung to her face. His focus instantly narrowed to her face, having the compulsion to kiss those droplets off her nose, cheeks and especially those lips.

He must have stared too intently because he heard her clear her throat nervously. _What was that he just saw flicker in her eyes?_ _Desire._ Oh yeah. Definitely desire. She looked away and cleared her throat again while he grinned.

Familiar warmth once again flooded out from her heart and swiftly ran to the surface of her skin. _Not the time or the place._ She felt a tremor run through her body as she watched that primal hunger merge with that wonderful tenderness in his eyes. _Stop it. Soooo inappropriate right now._

Blinking quickly, she suddenly pushed off the side as strong strokes quickly propelled her away from him.

Without pause, he ducked the rope and went into the next lane to pursue her. His own strokes were more powerful, if only lacking her grace.

She briefly waited at the other end, smiling when he arrived before pushing off and away from him once again. _Exercise was always excellent for relieving certain…tensions._ Gillian was currently quite thankful for it.

Cal once again met her at the other end. "Are you runnin' from me?"

"No, actually I'm swimming from you." She pushed off once again as he watched, mildly annoyed, mostly mesmerized.

When she returned, he was sitting on the side. The water glistened off his lightly freckled shoulders and she watched as a few droplets broke free and ran down the center of his chest. She closed her eyes, counted to ten before opening them again.

He was looking at her quizzically before a slow smile lit his features. _The smile clearly said: Ha! I'm on to you!_

Gillian let it go. _She'd been caught. So be it_. "Had enough?"

"For now."

"You still want to go in the Jacuzzi?"

"Yup." He paused before adding, a little too casually: "No one else is in there."

Nodding, she pulled herself up and out of the pool and Cal thought for sure he was going to have a stroke.

Her suit was a one piece, cut high on the sides to show some hip, just low enough on top to show a tiny bit of cleavage. And her nipples had immediately reacted to the change in temperature. _Oh shit_. It was his turn to close his eyes for a moment, feeling a tiny bit of dizziness.

"Cal! Are you okay?" She was suddenly leaning over him, hand on shoulder, eyes concerned.

_Leaning over him. Dear God_. He shut his eyes again. "I'm fine darlin'." His voice came out a full octave higher. He suddenly felt about 15.

Keeping his eyes averted, he climbed to his feet while she watched, wearing a gentle, but knowing smile.

It was lag time at the gym and as luck would have it, the Jacuzzi was still empty. Cal gave a silent thanks to the entity of choice at that very moment as he stepped down into the swirling, foaming water and lowered himself onto the seat. With a small groan of appreciation, Gillian slipped down next to him. "This is nice."

Cal grunted, his arms resting outside on the ledge. He stopped breathing for just a moment as she adjusted her position and nestled in closer to him before he cautiously resumed.

"How are you feeling?" Her question was tentative.

"I'm good." One arm dropped around her shoulders as his hand caressed her soft flesh. He felt her rub his leg against the water's current. "I'm really good now. Only, no copping any feels."

His voice was low and she gave a giggle.

"Unless you really want to of course."

"Is anyone looking?"

Cal looked at her, stunned. She just smiled sweetly back at him.

He swallowed, cleared his throat and looked away. "Tease."

Reaching out, she took his chin and turned his face toward her before kissing him softly. Not just a peck but not enough to draw a lot of attention either. Gillian pulled back as he stared at her. He smirked before kissing her back with just a tiny bit of probing tongue this time.

Her eyes shut as she felt his lips leave hers and glide down her neck. She could feel her pulse starting to quicken like a hummingbird's before reality reared its head and she suddenly pushed him away. "You're going to get us kicked out!"

"You started it!" Cal pointed out.

Her retort died on her lips. He was right.

Cal casually glanced around. As his eyes passed over the few people in the pool area, one twenty-something guy gave him a thumbs up sign and a big grin.

"Think it's time we left."

"Uh huh." Her heart still hadn't returned to normal.

"Think I'm gonna have to get one of these things for my backyard."

"Uh huh."

"Make sure the privacy fence is, uh, completely private."

"Uh huh." She paused a moment as his words penetrated her lust filled brain. "_What?"_


	20. Chapter 20

"Dad, what's going on?" Emily came poking around the side gate where her father stood, rocking on his heels and watching while a truck backed up in his driveway.

"What d'ya mean?"

She narrowed her eyes. "What are you having delivered?"

Two burly guys were now jumping out of the truck, crossing to the tailgate and rolling up the back door.

"Hot tub."

"What?"

"Hot tub. You know, Jacuzzi, whirlpool, sauna…"

"Yeah dad, I get it." They stood side by side in heavy coats and watched both men expertly handle the tub, Cal looking pleased, Emily appearing to doubt her father's sanity.

"Dad?"

"Yeah, luv?"

"Did you fall on your head or something?"

Cal turned and looked at her, one eyebrow raised.

"It's December."

"Your point?"

"Why are you getting a hot tub in December?"

"It was on sale." He turned to her, eyes sparkling. "Besides, you ever see photos of Japanese Macaques? Or read about people going in the hot springs in the dead of winter in Iceland?"

"You're now officially worrying me. I'm thinking oxygen deprivation of some kind now."

"You're hilarious."

She just looked at him, both eyebrows raised.

Cal pushed through the gate to direct the deliverymen toward his covered back patio. Emily trailed behind them, keeping clear of the dollies, intrigued but wary.

"Um, you guys set up a lot of these…things at this time of the year?"

The cute dark haired one smiled at her over his shoulder. "You'd be surprised."

"So, my dad's not crazy?"

"Oi!" Cal frowned at her from the patio.

"Nah, he's okay. These things are awesome in the winter."

Emily thought about it for a moment, liking the idea now that she'd determined her father hadn't gone mental. She stepped up next to him and leaned against his shoulder. "One more thing dad."

"Yeah, luv?"

"Why did you wait until I've gone off to college before buying one?"

Cal stared at her for a moment before a slow smile lit his features. "Gives you a good reason to come home, yeah?"

_**(BREAK) **_

Cal didn't arrive at the Lightman Group until close to 11:00. Managing to dodge his employees, he made a direct line to Gillian's office, slipped inside and quietly shut the door.

"You're looking very satisfied with yourself." She didn't look up but he could hear the smile around the words, giving him the green light.

She held her breath when she heard him step up behind her and place his hands on her shoulders, kneading gently. "Why so tense?" His lips lowered against her ear sending an unconscious tremor through her body.

"A couple of cases are…uhhhhh…."

He'd placed a few tender kisses just behind her ear as his two-day growth of beard tickled her neck. "You were sayin'…?"

"One concerns the new police commissioner…uhhhh…stop that!" She jerked upward and whirled to meet his amused grin. "Is there something that you needed this morning?"

He made no move to pull away as he pinned her with his eyes. "Just came back from my check up."

Heart pounding in her ears, she struggled to keep her face neutral. "Is everything okay?"

"Mmhm." Leaning forward, he gave her a light peck. "All restrictions have been lifted." Another brush of the lips. "Just need to resist the urge to be a dumbass."

"Are you up to the challenge?" Another kiss to the neck had her eyelids drooping slightly before popping open.

"Oh, I think so. Stakes are pretty high." He gave her neck a nibble as her heart continued to race. "We'll be able to kick up our workouts."

"Do you think you'll be able to keep up with me now?" She unthinkingly moved her head to the side to give him more room.

"Part of the fun is the pursuit darlin'." His lips caressed the juncture of her neck and shoulder as a sigh escaped her. _Someone could come in at any moment. Need to stop him._

He gently sucked at her pulse point, grinning to himself at the trembling of her heart. His hands continued to massage the knots from her shoulders as his mouth worked its way back up to her ear

_In just a minute. I'll stop him in just a minute. Uhhhh…_

And then he'd pulled away, grinning at her smugly. "What about the new police commissioner?"

"What?" She stared up at him, blinking, mind a bit foggy. "Oh! Um…" He had her feeling flustered and it pissed her off a little. She paused to take some air deeply into her lungs, noticing his scent despite herself, held it and released it slowly.

"You okay there?" Cal was still smiling but it was somehow less smug, more loving. Her annoyance bled away as a result.

"Yes. I'm fine. I was just going to say that there have been rumors to the effect that he may be accepting bribes. Since he was just appointed, the mayor is concerned that if the allegations are true…"

"It'll mess up his political agenda."

"That's about it."

"What else do we have?"

"Jamison Gault."

Cal winced. "The rapist."

Nodding, Gillian's face immediately went tense. "DNA evidence became inadmissible – accusations of tampering. Lots of circumstantial evidence but it is what it is. They want a read from us to help along the prosecution."

"I'll take care of that one." Cal stared at her intently as she nodded, obviously relieved. Moving closer once again, he kissed her temple. "It'll be fine luv."

"I know. I just…well you know."

"Yeah, I know." He guided her up out of her chair and folded her into a warm hug. She immediately sank against him, holding on and pressing her face against his shoulder.

"Now let's get all this crap taken care of so we can _play_."

Gillian looked up at him suddenly.

"I meant at the gym." He grinned and kissed her on the cheek before releasing her. He gave her a wink on his way out.

_**(BREAK)**_

She'd allowed him some free time while she took a pilates class. She was a little concerned that Cal would get himself into trouble but when she went looking for him she was surprised to find him with his hands wrapped working at one of the hanging punching bags.

Pausing, she watched him for several minutes, impressed. It was obvious he'd done this before. He'd just never mentioned it.

"Hey."

Concentrating, he threw out a couple of left hooks, three jabs and an uppercut. He glanced over quickly. "Hey darlin'."

"I didn't know you boxed."

A noise somewhere between a cough and a laugh burst from between his lips. "Once upon a year, luv." He stopped and turned toward her. The front and back of his t-shirt was damp with perspiration. She could smell his clean sweat combined with soap and deodorant. It was sexy as hell. "A shorter guy growing up where I grew up…well, let's just say it was advantageous to know how to fight." He had pulled down his towel and was wiping his face with it.

She stared at him, feeling a bit of a warm tingle, before averting her eyes. For once he didn't seem to notice.

"Ready to hit the pool?" Cal grinned and waggled one eyebrow.

"You just want to gawk at me in my bathing suit."

One arm looped around her waist and brought her in close. "Absolutely. Gets my imagination goin' in all kinds of directions." His breath was in her ear.

Gillian felt her face start to flame as he quietly chuckled.


	21. Chapter 21

_Help? _

Gillian stared at the short text and frowned. If it were a real emergency he would have just called her directly.

_?_? She tapped and sent it.

A moment later another message came back to her: _My home is oozing teenagers._

Her laughter escaped in a snort as she responded: _Do you want to come over?_

_ May not have a house left._

_ Don't you trust Emily?_

_ Emily I trust. The others? Not so much._

_ So you want me to come over and hold your hand? Protect you?_

_ If you would. _

_Already in my jammies._

_ Fine by me. The skimpier, the better._

_ Perve._

_ Yup._

_ Give me 45 minutes._

_ I'll be waiting impatiently._

_**(BREAK)**_

Gillian arrived within her time frame, noting the abundance of cars parked in the driveway and on the street. There was a time when he never would have allowed a party like this. But now Cal was most likely playing the martyr, considering Emily was heading back to California in short order.

She could hear music pulsing from the other side of the door when she hit the doorbell and briefly wondered if it would be heard. Of course she could always let herself in but that seemed a little inappropriate at the moment.

Emily opened the door, giving a huge grin when she saw who it was. "Hi! Dad called in reinforcements, huh?" She immediately moved to the side to allow Gillian entrance.

"Guess he was feeling a bit outnumbered."

"He'd feel outnumbered if there were only three of us."

"True enough. Is he hiding in his study?"

"Yeah. Sticks his nose out to grumble occasionally though." Emily laughed easily and Gillian couldn't help but join her.

The music was a little loud but all in all the kids seemed pretty well behaved. Several were on the floor playing a game, most were just hanging out talking or singing to the music, three were walking through the living room in bathing suits, heading for the back patio. _Bathing suits_?

Emily caught her expression and smiled. "Dad didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"My insane father bought a hot tub in the dead of winter."

Something must have flickered across her face because Emily suddenly looked suspicious. Before she could say anything though, one boy caught her by the arm and Gillian was off the hook. She took advantage of the moment and slipped away.

She headed toward the back of the house, away from the cacophony of teenagers. Different music drifted out and reached her ears as she softly knocked on the entrance to Cal's study.

The pocket door slid open and he pulled her in quickly, not unlike a trap door spider. She let out a gasp as he stood close, filling her senses.

"Thanks for coming by." His voice was silk in her ear.

"Uh huh." Heat rose in her face as she touched her cheeks self-consciously.

"You're here just in time." Cal grinned as his eyes lingered on her blush.

"For what?"

"To dance with me."

"I thought you were limited to one drink a day."

"Not drunk. I'm high."

"_WHAT_?"

"Oi, you have such a suspicious mind. I'm on an exercise high. Went for a run just before all the beasties arrived." Cal's grin dropped but the smile remained in his eyes as he helped her out of her coat and tossed it across his office chair. "Now. Dance?"

The music that she'd heard before now seeped into her consciousness as she recognized the tune. She just looked at him as he returned her gaze tenderly. "I'd love to."

Cal swept her into an embrace and led a dance that was more of a slow merging of two people than anything else. He held her hand against his chest while the other firmly wrapped around her waist, holding her close. Pushing her face into the crook of his neck and shoulder, she closed her eyes and breathed him in.

"_At last_

_My love has come along_

_ My lonely days are over_

_ And life is like a song."_

He moved them in a slow circle, holding onto her tightly, inhaling the fragrance of her hair and skin and allowed his eyes to shut.

_"Oh yeah yeah, at last_

_The skies above are blue_

_ My heart is wrapped up in clover_

_ The night I looked at you."_

Neither one heard the knock or the sliding of the door as Emily peeked in, an unspoken question dying behind her lips. She blinked in surprise before a huge smile settled in her eyes, not unlike her father. Not being able to help herself, she watched them for several moments, her heart beating a little faster in elation knowing that they'd finally found what they'd been looking for all these years. Sliding the door shut, she returned to her party completely forgetting what it was she wanted to ask in the first place.

_"And I found a dream I can speak to_

_ A dream that I can call my own_

_ I found a thrill I could press my cheek to_

_ A thrill that I have never known."_

Gillian wasn't sure who made the first move but their lips were now softly moving together even as their bodies swayed. It was warm and loving and tender and a hundred other wonderful things she couldn't put words to.

_"And oh yeah yeah, you smile, you smile_

_ Oh, and then the spell was cast_

_ And here we are in Heaven_

_ For you are mine at last."_

The song ended and they pulled apart slowly. Gillian opened her eyes to find him staring at her with such wonder that she felt herself start to choke up. She inadvertently gave a little sniffle.

"Nah, none of that luv." He touched her face, eyes crinkling. "Thank you."

"For what?" Her voice was only a murmur as she pushed her cheek against his hand, enjoying the feel of his thumb lightly brushing against her skin.

"For not giving up on me."

"I could say the same thing."

Cal shook his head slowly. "Not even. You're a thousand times more lovable than I am."

Her eyes slid to the side before returning. "I guess that's true."

"Mean you are."

She started to giggle when he kissed her again. It was intense, passionate and completely took her breath away. Every nerve ending in her body was at full alert when he pulled back, smirking.

"Now who's mean?" She'd meant it to come out stronger but somehow she only managed something akin to a whimper. Of course his smirk broadened.

"Two can play that game darlin'." Cal lowered his lips against the bone behind her ear, feeling and hearing her respiration accelerate. He moved down her neck, nibbling and sucking, feeling her grab onto his shoulders to keep steady. "I love you Gill."

Both of her hands grabbed either side of his face and guided him back toward her to kiss him brusquely. He smiled against her lips before moving in with purpose once more as his hands lowered to her waist, raising her top ever so slightly to caress the soft skin of her lower back.

Her hands began to wander under his shirt as well, lightly raking down his chest to his belly and catching two fingers in the waistband of his jeans.

He retaliated by moving further up her back and attempting to undo her bra as the kiss became heavier, more lust filled. Breathing hard, he moved down her neck before she suddenly grabbed both his hands, stilling them.

Confused, he met her eyes. Finding them fully dilated with arousal he tried to pull his hands away to continue but she held firm.

"Cal…there are at least…twenty…teenagers…in your…house…right now." The words came out in gusts as she struggled to reduce her blood pressure.

Staring at her stupidly for a long moment, he suddenly rolled his eyes and closed them with a long, guttural groan. "Bloody hell."

"Um…yeah. That's about right."

He let out a long breath before opening his eyes again. "They _will_ go home eventually."

"I'd imagine so."

He flopped down onto the love seat and stared up at her, eyes still dark.

"So Cal…" Her blue eyes twinkled as she sat down next to him.

"Hmmm…?"

"About that hot tub…?"

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><p><strong><em>AN: RIP Ms. Etta James._**


	22. Chapter 22

**_Just wanted to thank you for all the wonderful comments and reviews! They provide a lot of encouragement to keep going! :-)_**

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><p>There was a quiet knock on her office door before a familiar head poked in and caught her eye.<p>

"Emily!" Gillian got up from her desk and walked around toward the girl. "Is everything okay?" She immediately felt her chest constrict.

"Yeah, everything's fine." The girl cringed slightly. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you."

She and Cal had been almost like ships passing in the night the last several days. He'd been spending a lot of time with Emily before she returned to Berkley and Gillian had wanted to give him that space. He still continued to call every night, a ritual that he'd begun shortly after his hospital release and she always looked forward to it. Lately he'd had her blushing crimson with some of his bedtime comments.

"I just wanted to drop by and talk to you a minute, if you have time."

"Of course." Gill nodded toward her sofa.

Emily took a seat with a little smile and Gillian folded herself down next to her. "What's up?"

"First I wanted to, um, thank you. I didn't get a chance to before, but I can't help but think what could have happened with my dad if…" She stopped, took a breath and studied the ceiling for a moment. "Well, you know."

Gillian laid a hand on the girl's arm. "You don't have to thank me. I'm just happy I was there. Even happier that he's alright."

Emily nodded, her eyes a little brighter when she looked back. "He had a hard time telling me."

"I'm sure."

"I almost considered not going back to school and seeing about a transfer to a local U."

Shaking her head, Gill's eyes were soft. "I understand but you know you can't do that. Your dad's fine and he's taking steps to prevent it from ever happening again. As much as you love him, you can't live your life for him."

The girl sniffled slightly and ran a hand over her eyes. "That's pretty much what he said."

"He's a smart man."

"When he's not being an ass." They finished together before starting to giggle.

"What was the second thing?" Gill tilted her head, still smiling.

"Second thing…oh yeah, right. I guess I just wanted to ask you if you'd come along with dad and me to the airport tonight."

"Um, well, I don't want to-"

"You wouldn't be intruding. Really." Emily raised her brows and looked at her sincerely. "I just think dad could use, well, you know, someone there for him. Some support."

Cal was hurting and although he was covering with lots of sardonic comments, Emily knew. He wanted her to have her own life but she also was aware he missed her horribly when she was gone. She also knew that Gillian was his elixir. She was the only one who could help with the sting of her returning to school and leaving him again.

"Do _you_ want me there?"

"Are you _kidding_?" Emily almost rolled her eyes but stopped short. "I've also been meaning to tell you how happy I am that you guys are…well…doing whatever it is you're doing." She let out a little huff of breath. "That wasn't very articulate was it? Let's say I'm just very glad that things seem to be working out. I've been waiting for, like, _forever_ for you guys to get it together."

Gillian shifted uncomfortably and Emily hid a smirk, remembering the dance in her dad's study. "Well, we're…"

"Taking it slow. Sure. I get that. But in the meantime, he loves you very much and it would be awesome if you'd be there for him when I fly back to California tonight."

Staring at the girl, she was amazed at how much like Cal she was. "Sure Em, I'd love to."

"Thanks!" She leaned forward and gave the older woman a hug. "Oh, and well, dad doesn't know it yet, but I…may not be home for spring break. Some friends and I were talking about driving down to Palm Springs."

Wincing, Gillian gave her back a quick rub before releasing her. "I'm just going to pretend I didn't hear that if it's all the same to you."

Emily grinned and Gillian joined her regardless. "Fair enough."

_**(BREAK)**_

"Well, off with ya then. Be good and give me a call when you land." Cal gave his daughter one last bear hug before stepping back and letting her go. She didn't move right away, just stood looking up at him, face a tiny bit fearful.

He lowered his voice. "I'll be fine luv."

Emily's eyes shifted from him to Gillian and back again. There seemed to be some unspoken communication going on but before he could point out their plotting, Em stepped forward and took his face in her hands, squishing it together playfully. "You be good too. Don't want to hear about you getting into trouble."

"What? From your spy?" His eyes darted to Gillian but there was no animosity, just warmth.

"Let's just say I have my ways."

"Mmhm."

She smiled, gave him another peck before stepping close to Gillian for a hug. "Thanks again for everything!"

Gillian hugged the girl back, her own emotions teetering. She'd miss her too.

"Love you guys!" With one more wave, Emily grabbed her rolling carry on and heading toward airport security. She was soon lost in the throngs of other travelers impatient to continue with their own lives.

Cal stood a little longer, staring after his daughter when he felt Gill gently take his arm. She didn't pull him, nor did she say a word. She just waited patiently until he was ready. He appreciated it.

"Did I ever tell you how much I hate airports?"

"May have mentioned it once or twice."

He gently pulled his arm from her grasp and looped it around her shoulder. "Let's get the hell outta here darlin'." Giving her a quick side hug, he planted a kiss against her temple.

"How about some dinner? It's on me." Her arms snuck around his waist.

"In that case, you up for lobster?"

"Very funny."

She could feel his chuckle rumble through him as they headed out into the cold winter air.

_**(BREAK)**_

"I bought the bloody thing primarily for me and I'll be damned if I've had a chance to use actually it." He unlocked his front door, pushed it open and waved Gillian inside.

"Well, teenagers plus hot tub equals dad's out of luck."

"And she had the audacity to think _I_ was nuts."

Gill didn't answer. She just smiled a smile that said 'I'm not stepping into that mine field.'

Cal narrowed his eyes and before she could react, had her pressed against the entry wall, his warm breath coating her face. He smelled like peppermint, having snagged a mint from the restaurant on the way out. "Do _you_ think I'm nuts?" She'd asked him about the Jacuzzi during Em's party and he'd just danced around and not given her any kind of answer. Probably because the house was overrun at that particular moment in time and they'd almost lost it once that night. Now they were alone and Gillian felt herself swallow.

"Maybe a little but I've come to accept it."

His lips pulled back in a slow smile as his eyes darkened. "You love me anyway."

She tilted her head up, pretending to think about it. "Yeah, maybe a little." Despite her composed expression, her body was starting to tremble at his proximity, warmth spreading upward. Cal's smile widened as he stepped ever so slightly closer, his body now firmly against hers.

_Holy cow. Was it hot in here? _She swallowed again, reacting to the primal look in his eyes.

Cocking his head, his lips were millimeters from hers. Restrictions had been lifted over a week ago and both were painfully aware of it. Breaths had become shallow and raspy as they stared at one another.

"I love you, you know." His accent was sultry, plucking at the strings of her inner resolve.

"You just want to get in my pants."

Laughter seeped into his expression. "Time enough for that, yeah?"

"I suppose." With a strength that impressed her, she gave him a quick kiss on the lips and moved out from between him and the wall.

Face slack, he blinked in confusion as she moved across his living room, swaying ever so gently. His eyes fell to her rear end before she stopped, looked over her shoulder at him and smiled. "My turn to have a shot at your hot tub. I came prepared you know."

Clearing his throat, an eyebrow shot up. "Pre..pared?"

Images of her swimsuit clad body paraded through his brain. "Um, sure, okay, let me, uh, take off the top, I mean, cover and, um, get it turned on. I mean, get the bubbles goin'." He gave himself a mental slap but the damage was done as her smile turned amused.

"You do that."

Cal didn't need to be told twice. Gillian sequestered herself in his downstairs bathroom while he prepared the hot tub. He had it set at a steady temperature to avoid freezing. A bit more expensive but it was better than waiting 12 hours while it warmed up.

He tapped on the door before heading to his room to change. "It's ready whenever…um…you are."

"I'll meet you out there." Something in her voice struck him but he couldn't quite identify it so he let it go to run upstairs, taking two at a time.

_**(BREAK)**_

Peeking outside, he could see Gillian already up to her neck in the swirling foam. Her eyes were closed as her head leaned back against the side, face serene. Except for the sound of the jets, everything was silent. As he watched, snow started to fall. _Thank God for the overhang._

Counting to himself, he took a couple of deep breaths before racing out the sliding glass door, pausing just long enough to shut it behind him. _Holy shit it was cold! _Maybe those Icelanders were just plain mental. Pulling off his robe, he tossed it on the nearby bench to join hers and was up and in the tub immediately, causing some semblance of a storm at sea.

Gillian's eyes popped open, avoiding the waves against her face as she grinned at him. "Keep in mind, Snow Monkey's have a lot more hair than we do."

"True enough." He settled into the warmth as a long, lingering sigh escaped him. "Okay, now that was worth it."

"Definitely worth it." She moved toward him as he automatically moved an arm around her waist, fingers splayed, gently tracing her curves. At that moment, every muscle in his body froze as he slowly turned to face her, eyes wide.

The smile she wore was amused and tiny bit seductive. She tilted her head as she stared at him and snuggled in a little closer, her hand falling to his thigh.

He could be wrong, but he didn't think so.

_Gillian wasn't wearing a swimsuit._

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><p><em><strong>Okay. Y'all want the "M" chapter or should I leave it to your (probably very vivid) imaginations? ;-)<strong>_


	23. Chapter 23

_**All right, majority rules. Heck, I don't think there actually **was** a minority! Consider this chapter an "M." ;-)**_

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><p>"Well darlin'." Cal cleared his throat, a playful leer pulling at his features. "You forget somethin'?"<p>

Eyes sparkling, Gillian slid them to the side for a moment in feigned thoughtfulness. "No, not that I can think of."

"I see." His mouth suddenly went dry as every nerve ending in his body rose like static electricity.

"No, you don't. Not yet."

His mind went into momentary white noise mode before it cleared. _Holy shit_. _Gillian. Naked. In _his_ hot tub._ It had to be too good to be true. Maybe it was just a _really_ skimpy string bikini. His hand wandered down her hip to her upper thigh. _Nope_.

Sinking deeper in the water he turned slowly, hazel irises almost gone. "Quite the wild one you are. Don't know if I would have called it. Not that I didn't hope and dream, mind you."

Her smile broadened, making him feel dizzy for just a moment. Her hand continued to knead his thigh, fingers teasing just under the hem of his trunks. "That's the fun about new relationships. The element of discovery."

His heart was thumping in his ears as he brought his other hand up out of the water and cradled the side of her face, fingers threading into her hair as he watched her eyes. Watched how the pupils eclipsed the irises. Watched the deep love and want rise within them. Finally pulling her gently forward, he pressed his lips against hers, parting them slightly with a tentative probe of his tongue. She granted him access as her own lips and tongue moved in conjunction with his. It was slow and sensuous and delicious but both were very aware that they were hanging on the edge of control. He was determined not to rush despite the fact that she'd practically gift-wrapped herself just for him but God it was hard. His hand moved down her neck and trailed into the water to roam the soft skin of her back, pulling the rest of her body toward him. Cal shuddered when he felt her breasts flatten against his chest. Her own arms had wrapped securely around him, one around his shoulders, the other low on his back, fingers now dipping in the back of his trunks, nails scratching lightly across his top of his right buttock.

Moving away from her lips, his tongue darted out to caress the little indentation behind her ear before nibbling down her throat and pressing his warm mouth to her pulse point and sucking gently. It was going wild beneath his lips. One hand looped back around, tracing across her rib cage before cupping her left breast and caressing the nipple with his thumb, hearing her sudden intake of breath.

Pulling back, his eyes flicked back and forth between hers, satisfied to see her lids partially obscuring her darkened baby blues, her face slack with pleasure.

Taking a breath, he lowered himself beneath the water line to kiss and nibble both breasts tauntingly as his strong fingers massaged her hips and the tops of her thighs.

Gillian's eyes widened when he briefly went under but he seemed to be just fine as he suckled her, somewhere between tender and assertive, walking the fine line and making her crazy in the process. Her breathing had become fast and loud in her ears. She knew he was drawing things out to try and make it perfect for her but she was slowly losing patience. Her body wanted him and she wasn't sure how long she could bear to wait.

Acquiescing to his lungs demands, he broke surface and met her eyes again. He was startled to see her need overwhelming her. Breathing hard, he could feel his own resolve slipping. He moved forward once again, his kiss a lot more forceful and demanding, one hand now cupping her, fingers beginning to titillate all the hot spots within her womanly folds.

Gillian let out a whimper as he expertly hit all the right chords, followed by a gasp as he gently penetrated her with first one finger and then two. She knew it wouldn't take long for him to push her over. "No Cal. Together. Please." Her voice had no strength but he heard her and attempted to do as she asked. He felt her frantically tug at his trunks, releasing him to the steady current, her fingers curling around him firmly as her thumb circled the tip. A low, guttural groan escaped his throat as she smiled.

Blinking hard at the sensation, he gazed in fascination as he felt her release his hardened length and climbed onto his lap to straddle him. She hovered just above him, knees on either side of his thighs. For a moment he stared in wonder at the sight of her creamy breasts with their dark rose-colored areolas. He couldn't help himself and moved his face forward to bury it between them, his hands reaching behind her. Pushing him back, she cupped his cheeks, and stared into his eyes before kissing him passionately and lowering herself onto him.

His eyes rolled back in his head for just a moment as her mouth made a tiny little 'o.' They were initially still as she acclimated to his girth and he made sure he wasn't going to pass out from sensory overload. Then she leaned forward, kissed his ear and began to move, firmly grasping onto his shoulders for balance. His fingers pressed into her hips as he changed position ever so slightly but just enough for maximum contact and pleasure for her before he began to move along with her.

At their joining, her breath hitched in surprise and pleasure, overwhelmed by her sense of completion. A long gasp escaped her as he steadily hit against her folds and g spot. She hugged his head to her chest, kissing his hair, unmindful of the cold.

Eyes sank shut as lips found one another once again in tense anticipation before breaking away as their movements became faster, more demanding. Almost a decade of want and need fused them together perfectly as they moved toward their common goal. The excitement of making love for the first time, coupled with the sensuous feeling of hot, swirling water brought them both to the edge faster than expected. Thrusting upward, he could feel his body trembling violently as she pushed down against him, her mouth slightly open, eyebrows pulled together as her face tensed. With a soft cry, she suddenly felt everything constrict within her as the orgasm racked her body, following by strong flutters that gradually succumbed to a pleasant and satisfying internal tingle.

Cal still hadn't allowed his. His eyes were shut in fervor, trying to extend it for her as long as possible as he continued to press up inside her.

Hugging his neck, her lips were against his ear. "Let go. It's okay. Honey, let go." Gillian kissed his cheek tenderly, fingers pushing through his wet hair.

He didn't make a sound as his face became a brief mask of pained gratification and his climax rocked through him. Clinging to her tightly, they could both feel his body shaking. His breaths came in harsh gasps as she continued to push his hair back and plant gentle kisses across his face. "You okay?"

Eyes still closed, he didn't initially respond.

"Cal?" Gillian's voice was gentle, concerned.

His lids parted slightly as he looked up at her. "I'm fine." His accent was thick, voice gravelly, face boyishly vulnerable. "I love you Gill."

Smiling, she felt tears rim her eyes. "I love you too."

His sudden grin lit up his features as he pulled her toward him once against in a warm and tender kiss.

_**(BREAK)**_

Cal awoke to pale moonlight upon his bed and for several devastating moments, he thought it had all been a dream. He was still in the bland little apartment in Westwood, 3000 miles away from her. She hadn't wanted him, didn't love him.

A tiny little sigh broke through the silence and he gradually became aware of the curves under his blankets, the warm body pressed against his own. He shut his eyes in relief before shifting to wrap his arms more securely around her, gently kissing the bare shoulder that presented itself to him. _Gillian. His Gillian._ His breathing became steady and regular as he slipped back into a peaceful slumber.

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><p><em><strong>Did that work for you? <strong>_

_**A/N: Although there are some truly gifted writers out there that use them (put emphasis on truly gifted because I'm not making any kind of judgment here), I tend to stray away from certain words while writing these types of scenes. I guess I personally feel like they cheapen the relationship. You fu** prostitutes and one-night-stands, you make love with the person you're crazy about. Am I crazy or does that make sense?  
><strong>_


	24. Chapter 24

**_Well, I'm going to be probably winding this one up soon, but in all honesty I'm having a hard time doing it. I figure another chapter or two and then it might be time for me to turn attention to a new one. Unless of course anyone out there has any suggestions...? ;-)_**

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><p>She awoke in the early morning burrowed into Cal's side. His arm was firmly around her, while hers circled his midsection and her leg rested over his. She knew that she should go home to get ready for work but she wasn't ready to leave. Snuggled under the comforter with him seemed warm, safe and completely right. Gill couldn't quite remember feeling so peaceful before. Or maybe it had just been way too long. Tilting her head slightly, her eyes perused his profile, noting how all his walls were down, his face slack, mouth slightly open, breathing softly.<p>

Did she ever envision getting to this point? In all fairness, she'd felt a pull the moment he'd walked into her office way back when, but she'd always chalked it off to a sincere admiration and respect. It evolved over the years into something deeper, something much more difficult to articulate. But then with outside influences and deeply rooted fears, she never felt free to pursue anything beyond what they had. Then it hadn't even been a consideration, thanks to the wall she'd built. And now, well, all bets were off. There was no going back.

Her cheeks burned as memories of the previous night flickered in her mind's eye. She'd never done _anything_ like that before. Ever. Slipping in the Jacuzzi nude was amazingly daring for her, but damn if it wasn't exciting. The look on Cal's face made it oh so worth it. After they'd made love, she'd made a sudden dash for the sliding glass door. She'd giggled when his jaw dropped before he'd jumped out and chased after her. He'd caught her at the bottom of the stairs and his mouth had been so hot, his body so solid with such wiry strength…

A shudder ran through her as she felt him shift. His hazel eyes were blinking at her sleepily before acute awareness suddenly hit them and his face settled into a smile. "Good mornin'."

"Good morning." She stretched up for a kiss, of which he was more than happy to reciprocate. "Think I'd better get a move on."

"Why would you want to do that?" He honestly looked confused and a touch fearful.

She saw the fear and felt immediate regret, but she _really_ needed to go. "Um…because I don't have any clean clothes here and we both need to get to the office."

"Huh. Guess we're gonna have to remedy that. The clothes part, that is."

Gill gave him another quick kiss before beginning to scoot out from under the covers. She didn't get very far.

Moving quickly, he caught her and pulled her back close to him before covering her lips with his.

"Cal…I really…" Her voice faltered before losing all strength. His warmth surrounded her as he gently pushed her down into the soft bedding, the kiss becoming deeper, much more frenzied. Now that he'd had a taste of her, he was addicted and she apparently felt the same as she clung to him desperately.

_**(BREAK)**_

"We could call in sick."

"Both of us? Would seem a bit…suspicious, don't you think?"

"Yeah, but who cares?"

She tried a different tact. "You really want to leave the till unguarded?"

"Is there actually somethin' to guard now?"

"Well, if you'd stopped to take note, we've actually been a little busier the last couple of months."

"Interestin'. When Lightman's not around, the Lightman Group has a spike in business. Coincidence?"

She smiled as she gently traced across his chest with her fingers. "Worried?"

"Me? Never."

Oddly enough, there was a tiny hitch in his voice. His vulnerability was showing through. "The Gault case was a biggie and if memory serves, you took that one on." Her tone was pointed.

Cal screwed up his face. He'd hated facing off with that son of a bitch. Took hours to trip him up. Had reminded him of Jenkins. Afterward, Cal had left the office early just to shower. "True enough."

"Well, I do need to try again." Gillian shifted toward him, one eyebrow rising.

"What's that?" He feigned ignorance.

"To leave this bed."

"Oh." He grinned. "That's a rough one. Admit it. You just can't get enough of me."

"Narcissist."

"Now now. You knew what you were gettin' into." He turned onto his side to face her, resting his head on one propped hand. "But you love me anyway."

Her eyes immediately softened as she reached up and touched his face. "Uh huh."

He kissed her fingers, debating about attempting another round but knowing he wasn't quite up to it. Maybe if she'd just hang out for another hour…

Smiling again, she slipped out from under the covers and this time he allowed it, enjoying the view as she crossed his bedroom and proceeded to search through his dresser drawers to swipe a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

With some reluctance, he let out a sigh and climbed out of bed as well. They were both going to be late but knowing Gillian, she'd time it to arrive at the office first to dispel any suspicion. Of course, the Lightman Group didn't hire idiots. Tongues would be wagging regardless.

He stealthily moved up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Wanna share a shower? Conserves water and saves some time." His accent purred in her ear as she blinked rapidly.

"Don't think that's such a good idea." She almost choked on the words as warmth flushed across her cheeks again.

"Party pooper." He kissed her neck and moved to grab some boxers. "Let me grab a quick one and I'll get you back home."

That's right. Her car was safely nestled in the garage. At home.

Cal disappeared into the bathroom and a moment later she heard the spray of water. She took advantage to run downstairs and collect her clothes from yesterday. Glancing out into the backyard as she passed, she stopped and stared. Snow. And lots of it. Changing direction, Gillian walked to the front door to peek out. Had it really snowed _that_ much last night? The street was unplowed, and cars were covered. The brilliant blue of the sky was quickly being obscured as another storm system moved in. The cold was horribly biting as she hugged herself. She shut the door, found the TV remote and switched on the weather channel. Another nasty storm moving in. Expecting another six inches on top of last night's four. _Wow_. D.C. usually didn't get hit this hard. Must have followed Cal from Denver. Just took its time getting here. Maybe the office should stay closed today…for safety reasons, of course.

Glancing at the clock, she figured she had _just _enough time to send out a blanket text to their employees.

_**(BREAK)**_

The steady pulse of water felt wonderful on his back. He knew he was supposed to get Gillian home but somehow just couldn't bring himself to hurry. He liked the thought of her being here with him.

His eyes popped open at the slight creak of the bathroom door, announcing another's presence. Watching her shape through the pebbled glass, Cal felt his jaw slacken as she bent to remove his sweats and stretched to pull off his stolen t-shirt. She then moved toward him and slowly slid the door open.

Clearing his throat, he gave her a surprised smirk. "Lose direction?"

Her smile was immediate and bright, making him feel giddy as she stepped in next to him. "I made an executive decision."

"Oh yeah?"

Gillian was within inches of him before reaching up and circling his neck with her arms. The water cascaded down them both in rivulets as she pressed her body against his. He let out an involuntary groan and her smile widened even more. "Yup. I declared a snow day today."


	25. Chapter 25

**_Just a little snippet of an epilogue._**

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><p>e watched her for several moments as she slept, still completely in awe of where they now were. Months of tension, and then months of separation followed by his health scare. It was amazing that they even arrived at this point.<p>

Gillian shifted onto her side with a cute little groan and nestled closer to him. Her face was void of makeup and completely flawless. Peaches and cream with that wonderful spray of freckles. He liked her without makeup. It gave her a vulnerablity and openness that she normally didn't allow. It was a point of trust. They'd gotten to know one another quite well since last night. He'd discovered she had two tiny little birthmarks. One on her hip and one on her lower back. She also had a scar on her knee from when she fell on the playground as a little girl. Of course he now had fewer secrets as well. He had a birthmark on the back of his shoulder, several scars that made her bite her lip and when she was nibbling his neck, she'd taken notice that he'd had his ear pierced at one time. Funny she hadn't noticed that before. Fear of getting too close he supposed.

Of course the discovery hadn't just been physical. They'd talked and it was intimate on so many levels. Truths slipped through that probably hadn't seen the light in many years. The wonderful thing about it was that they were now comfortable with full disclosure. Close friends and now lovers. He couldn't ask for anything better.

Cal carefully slipped out of bed, pulled on some pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt and headed downstairs.

Emily had called around midnight last night. Fortunately it had been when they were raiding the kitchen in search of a late evening snack. Lots of energy out meant energy in. They'd been insatiable. He smirked at the memory.

There was something in his voice that had made his daughter instantly alert. But in a good way. There had been nothing accusatory in her tone. Nothing that asked 'now what did you do?' It was a simple acknowledgement. A soft intake of breath followed by: "You're happy dad." Not even a question. He'd been quiet, rolling it around in his head and his answer had been equally soft. "Yeah."

He wasn't sure what brought him downstairs at this point. It was late afternoon and everything was so very quiet. But it was a different kind of quiet. Before, the silence had been in direct conflict with all the noise in his head. He'd felt like he was being deafened before and now…

Wandering into the kitchen, he poured himself some juice before stepping in front of the sliding glass door that was his portal to his garden…and to the hot tub. Another smirk pulled at the corner of his mouth before being subdued.

Snow that had been falling steadily throughout the day had finally lightened to flurries. He watched as they fluttered here and there, aimless on the soft breeze. He wondered how many people lived their lives like that.

There was a quiet slip of movement before loving arms wrapped around him from behind and gentle lips pressed his neck right below his right ear. He leaned his head against hers and continued to stare out the window.

The silence was finally a comfortable one.


End file.
